Ten Thousand Miles

I need to break this cycle

2011-05-24T14:49:00.001-07:00

Pretty

2010-10-30T04:28:00.001-07:00

School Starts

2010-09-10T12:57:00.001-07:00

In 10 days.
EEK!

Today we went to Libertys

2010-09-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

I didn't buy anything.
But as I wondered the serene boastful halls of luxury goods, I had a few ideas.

When I have money of my own, everything will smell phenomenal.
There will be scented candles on every surface that will be lit at every opportunity.
Lavender bags will line every clothes drawer and room scent will linger lightly in the air.
The linens will smell of vanilla and ocean dew, the soap will be mint basil rosemary.
The kitchen will always smell of freshly baked goods, sweet sugary cinnamon icing.
My space will be a heaven of scent, and every nose will rejoice to enter it.

There will be books everywhere.
Bright, colorful, loud books and soft vintage books. Books about music and art and animals. Philosophy, biography, psychology. Fiction, nonfiction. Books about high seas adventures and steamy romances, books filled with beautiful recipes, diagrams, drawings. Books to fill the walls and lay scattered around the surfaces. Books to fill a wondering mind and a rainy afternoon.

LAMDA is one of the leading drama schools in the English-speaking world

2010-08-09T08:49:00.000-07:00

"The institutions that combined to form LAMDA date from 1861, making the Academy the oldest of its kind in Britain, with a long-established reputation for excellence.

The early twentieth century saw a profound change in how theatre was created and this necessitated a change in how actors were trained. What we now recognise as drama schools began to appear. LAMDA was perfectly placed for this revolution and began training theatre practioners in earnest.

The past few years have witnessed important growth for the Academy . A vital move to a larger and more visible home on the Talgarth Road in West London has enabled LAMDA to further develop the campus and training facilities for its highly talented students. Furthermore, in June 2004, the Academy became an affiliate of the prestigious Conservatoire for Dance and Drama, reinforcing its status as a leading institution in both acting and technical theatre.

Today the Academy is synonymous with professionally trained actors and theatre technicians. Scarcely a year goes by without LAMDA's former students being honoured at a major film, television or theatre award ceremony. LAMDA has equally gained a reputation as a source of critically acclaimed new writing with two plays (Mark Ravenhill's Mother Clap's Molly House and Di Trevis' Remembrance of Things Past ) devised and first performed at LAMDA before transferring to the National Theatre and beyond.

In recent years, LAMDA has also gained great acclaim in the corporate and educational sectors. LAMDA Business Performance (LBP) combines expertise in drama training with communication, team-building and public speaking skills."

http://www.lamda.org.uk/drama/index.htm

Stop, Listen.

2010-07-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

Recently, a good friend said to me that being in a relationship with someone can make you see things in a different light, but only when you are alone do you truly grow as a person.

I have decided that they could not be more wrong.

If there is one thing that I can say I know for sure it is this;
It is only through our relationships with others that we can begin to learn the truth of things. Everything that is truly meaningful in life has to do with connections, not isolation.

"To help, to continually help and share, that is the sum of all knowledge; that is the meaning of art." - Eleonora Duse

"It Is The Star To Every Wandering Bark"

2010-07-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

It's Yours To Claim It All

2010-07-06T03:58:00.000-07:00

"Oh, the power to be strong
And the wisdom to be wise
All these things will
come to you in time
On this journey that you're making
There'll be answers that you'll seek
And it's you who'll climb the mountain
It's you who'll reach the peak

In learning you will teach
And in teaching you will learn
You'll find your place beside the
ones you love
Oh, and all the things you dreamed of
The visions that you saw
Well, the time is drawing near now
It's yours to claim it all

Son of Man, look to the sky
Lift your spirit, set it free
Some day you'll walk tall with pride
Son of Man, a man in time you'll be

Son of Man
Son of Man's a man for all to see"

From Tarzan, Written by Phil Collins

One Week

2010-07-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

"Sounds good," I sang out into the dark of the car. Sounds good, that same midwestern girl's slightly frightened reply. It appeared to clinch a deal, and was meant to sound the same as the more soldierly Good To Go, except it was promiseless - mere affirmative description. It got you away, out the door. Once again.

From "A gate at the stairs" By Lorrie Moore

The Scorpion and the Turtle

2010-06-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

A Scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, Asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you mad?" Exclaimed the Turtle. "You will sting me while I'm Swimming and I'll drown.
"My dear turtle", laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, we would both drown. Now where is the logic in that?"

"Your right!" said the turtle. "hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic", the drowning Scorpion sadly replied. "It's Just my character."

THE GIRL AND THE SNAKE

A girl is walking down a cold wintry country road when she spies a snake, shivering in the chill. He pleads with her to carry him in her coat so that he doesn't freeze to death. The girl replies that she cannot trust the snake, and that he will surly bite her if she puts him inside her jacket, but in the end agrees to save him from the cold.
She gently scooped him up and puts him inside her jacket to keep him warm and continues on her walk. She hardly goes far when she feels a sharp pain in her side, and feels the poison begin to take hold. The snake drops out of the coat and begins to slither away.

She gasps for breath and utters a pleading sob. "Why?" she says with sadness "I took care of you, let you close to me."
The snake simply replies "You knew what I was when you met me. You should have trusted your instincts."

I Am On My Way....

2010-06-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

I can go the distance
I don't care how far,
Somehow I'll be strong,
I know every mile will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere to find where I belong.

- "I Can Go The Distance" From Hercules

The Orange

2010-04-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

By Wendy Cope

At Lunchtime I bought a huge orange

The size of it made us all laugh.

I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave-

They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange it made me so happy,

As ordinary things often do

just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park

This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.

I did all my jobs on my list

and enjoyed them and had some time over.

I love you. I'm glad I exist.

Love And Money

2010-02-28T13:22:00.001-08:00

"I don't know if we're alone

I don't think we want to be alone, do we? Do we want that? Is that what we want? And sometimes you think that the only reason we do anything at all, anything is to reach out and touch

Just touch, just to

feel

something

in our hand, I suppose and, or not in our hands in our hearts, or to reach with our souls and to find out that it's not all just dust and rocks and nuclear explosions in the hearts of stars with some accidentally organic matter moving around on one tiny minuscule planet. D'you know what I mean?

That connection

just to connect.

And you look around, don't you, and you think 'is this what it is? Everyone else seems to think it's this so that's what I'll do, I'll get a job and a house and the right shoes and I'll, you know, because this could be it' and I'm not saying it isn't and those things are great and I hate it when people are all critical and everything because we all wear

shoes

for christ's sake, so, you know, but

sometimes I'm left

wondering

and I wonder if others are as

confused

and are also left wondering and maybe there is this entire planet of people wondering and pretending that we know exactly what we're doing and that we fit in perfectly an that we're not scared or confused or

lonely

or anything like that."

-"Jess" from Love and Money by Dennis Kelly

Two themes that I have been thinking about quite a lot recently.

Coco Rocha's VIew:

2010-02-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

Coco Rocha has been a huge inspiration to me in previous years. Even if you don't recognize her name, you will know her by her face. She has been featured time and time again on many of the top fashion outlets around the world, including Vogue in twelve different country's and more editorial and runway work than I could ever get my head around. I will never forget the day when I was sitting in the agency on the black leather couches, perusing magazines and she strode over and sat down next to me. I didn't have the balls to say I word to her, but sat frozen, breathing extraordinarily quietly. I guess if there had been something to talk about she would have said something to me, but as it was, we sat in silence until she had to go chat to one of the agents. I was recently sent a link to her blog, and I thought I would highlight some of her words;

"Surely, we all see how morally wrong it is for an adult to convince an already thin 15 year old that she is actually too fat. It is unforgivable that an adult should demand that the girl unnaturally lose the weight vital to keep her body functioning properly. How can any person justify an aesthetic that reduces a woman or child to an emaciated skeleton? Is it art? Surely fashion's aesthetic should enhance and beautify the human form, not destroy it.

As a grown woman I can make decisions for myself. I can decide that I won't allow myself to be degraded at a casting - marching in my underwear with a group of young girls, poked, prodded and examined like cattle. I'm able to walk away from that treatment because I am established as a model and I'm an adult... but what about the young, struggling and aspiring models?

Of my generation of models I'm exactly where I need to be in my career and I'm grateful to use my position to actively speak out against this with the support of the CFDA and Vogue. My sincere hope is that through our efforts young models will one day be spared the humiliation, the risky weight loss, the depression that comes along with anorexia and the misery of abandonment by an industry ashamed to see them turn into actual women.

This issue of model's weight is, and always has been of concern to me. There are certain moral decisions which seem like no brainers to us. For example, not employing children in sweatshops, and not increasing the addictiveness of cigarettes. When designers, stylists or agents push children to take measures that lead to anorexia or other health problems in order to remain in the business, they are asking the public to ignore their moral conscience in favor of the art."

- COCO ROCHA

Sometimes, I feel sick after eating. I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel worthless. I feel like a failure.
I watch my friends reach new heights, I watch them travel the world. I see their pictures, I hear their names.
Will I ever be proud of myself again?

Put A Ring On It

2010-02-07T00:24:00.001-08:00

This is my fancy camera work! (and that is my voice at the beginning) Our class made this video for fun to show at the Christmas Cabaret this year to our fellow students and staff. good times.

"I am you mother and your father, your friends and your soldier too." I am your inner child.

2010-02-06T23:53:00.000-08:00

I fear that I may not be able to write so freely anymore in my blog. I am gaining my adulthood, but trying desperately to hold onto my childhood. How is that balance truly achieved? I suppose if I am going to talk about myself, I can do it here. but will I have the bravery? Will I feel the need? Will I be judged? Will I be suited to it anymore?

I have so much. I live a beautiful, perfect life. I'm not sure where I will go next, but that is what makes it so exciting.
I will be nineteen on the 27th. It is a long time coming.
Mom took me and a wonderful friend to see cirque du solie on Friday at the royal Albert Hall. It was a terrific night. And then on Saturday we went to Windsor castle and walked through the tureted towers in the sunlight. I loved it tremendously. And last night we threw a little dinner party for some friends of ours.
It is surprising how beautiful life can be sometimes.

I have an urge to dance in a beautiful cocktail dress to a loud 50's live band in a brightly lit room in the middle of London with a tall handsome man in a black suit. The windows would be high and look out over a gorgeous lighted landscape. The sound of the music would swirl around us mixed with the laughter and chatter of those people around us sipping champagne. My feet would float happily around the sleek wood floor. Just an old sweet song, keeps this picture in my mind.
I can escape here, even if I never go here.

I am entertaining the idea of doing some graphic novel writing. I found this comic while I was home that really made me feel the want to act on something I have been playing with in my mind for a while. The comic is called "The Dreamer" and it is exactly the kind of thing I would write for exactly that kind of audience. Of course I cant really draw, but I was thinking if I took some sort of short course on it, maybe I could begin to act on it.

I have no idea what I am going to be doing this summer. I have a few different ideas and leads, but it is all completely up in the air. I need to do two things. 1. I need to earn money. 2. I need to forward my career. (whether that be getting my promotional materials in order, or making new contacts, or getting involved in a production or two.

Me me me I I I I me I me me IIIIIIII ME. GERRRRRR!!!!!!!

Avatar has incredibly moved me. I cannot define everything that makes me love it. and I know my own reasons so I'm not going to outline it. But can I just say, if we get to choose where we go when we die, I will choose Pandora. The way the community lives is the most beautiful way of life. It is yet another thing that I can say inspires me more than I ever imagined it could.

"No one can teach you to see."

I have said it before...

2010-02-06T23:49:00.000-08:00

Our doubts are traitors and make us loose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.

Clear, crisp water. Ice cold.

2010-01-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

The ticking of a diesel truck's engine
the clear sun in a blue sky, framed by the mountains
gravel and ice mixes in the street
Horse fur smells of hay and dust
the crunching of my boots in the snow
Thump coffee tastes of perfection
High desert meadows, creeks and forests
light rain, showers, snowfall and sunshine
all in the course of one day.
Chai tea, a cinnamon bakery.
A fast car and a slow morning.
The best Taramisu I'd ever had.
Laughter at a picture.

I am amazed and know not what to say.

2009-12-03T00:27:00.001-08:00

Short Extract....

2009-11-17T15:23:00.000-08:00

“I will see you later.” He said lightly, as if to a friend. With this I knew I was free to go. I turned from him and walked across the street briskly. I had to keep myself from sprinting when I hit the curb on the other side and instead shoved both my hands into the pockets of my trench. Before I could stop myself , I stole a glance over my shoulder. He was still standing on the corner, but facing away from me, turned to cross the parallel line of traffic and back to the school. As I faced forward again I remembered to catch my breath, and with an exhale I murmured. “oh my god.” The feeling of triumph I had now was very different than what it had been before. I felt transcendent. My glory was past the beaming expression of a smile. It seemed that my whole body was radiating light, as though I was a second sun, walking down the London streets. I was half stunned, half confused. I didn't feel like kicking up my heels or bursting out in song. I didn't know how to express the feeling of expanding effervescence in my chest.
I had retched the end of the tunnel, and as I emerged onto the corner in front of the tube, I was brought almost face to face with blue-fingers girl. She was standing in the sun, her bag on the ground at her feet, texting. She looked upset, she may have been crying. I waved to her lightly and said in a small voice, “see you around.”
“Yeah” she said humorlessly.
“I crossed the street and went down into the underground. It was about twelve thirty, and the circle line train I boarded was nearly empty. I couldn't sit. So I stood, and put in my ipod headphones.
I searched for a song that I could dance around to, to release some energy to, but nothing seemed to fit my mood, to be good enough for a moment like this. So instead I pulled them off and danced to the music of the words within my head. The two other people in the car stared at me, and I lost my balance a few times when the train gave an unexpected sway. I didn't mind and spun and beamed and laughed as the train sped through tunnels and spotted sunlight, drawing me through London and up to the sky.....

Light Goes On

2009-11-17T15:16:00.001-08:00

To whom should I complain? Did I tell this,
Who would believe me? O perilous mouths,
That bear in them one and the self-same tongue,
Either of condemnation or approof;
Bidding the law make court'sy to their will:
Hooking both right and wrong to the appetite,
To follow as it draws! I'll to my brother:
Though he hath fallen by prompture of the blood,
Yet hath he in him such a mind of honour.
That, had he twenty heads to tender down
On twenty bloody blocks, he'ld yield them up,
Before his sister should her body stoop
To such abhorr'd pollution.
Then, Isabel, live chaste, and, brother, die:
More than our brother is our chastity.
I'll tell him yet of Angelo's request,
And fit his mind to death, for his soul's rest.

Synonym for Alive

2009-11-17T13:43:00.000-08:00

Winter has come to England. The sky lingers gray and musty. The leaves that had so beautifully strewn the streets and sidewalks lay crumpled and dead in browning piles at my feet. I settle on the floor in the great hall and think about the undulation of my spine as I look up at a ceiling painted with stars. The wood floor is sleek and firm beneath my body and the long windows reveal a cold gray day, blustery and frigid. A direct contrast to the honeyed tones of the room that encases me.
The days are long and tiring. We move around the school bundled in winter coats and scarfs, running to class through the rain across the cobble-stoned courtyard. We lean against the radiators on the walls before and after class, and huddle close at lunch in the common room. When the t.v. is on I sit and watch it in awe, not having watched one for an extended amount of time in almost eight months. We sip our soups and munch our sandwiches while discussing homework and talking about our teachers.

Moments occur like snapshots to me. Freeze in a millisecond so that I may keep them safe forever. Watching my classmates in studio fifteen sprinting and screaming with vast smiles while being wildly pursued by another. Crossing the street to play "Hug Tag" in the park across from the pub, and then returning to our cozy tables together.
My exhaustion keeps me suspended in a pertinent feeling of attentive edginess. However, my emotions are the last thing that I have time for, and I feel less able to express myself than before. I do not fear my daily work, but try to embrace "the world of I Don't Know" as John Wild says.
My nails are completely spent. I don't know why they have decided to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of my being, but They have all cracked and broken down to the edge of my fingers. They are downright shameful.

We are devising a piece of theater from the Song Of Hiawatha, a Native American romanticized story of a North American tribe. The details of the story bring the wilderness of Oregon to me with a pang. I am excited to return after so long away. I wonder how strange it will feel, if at all? Will it be as though any time has passed?

Curiosity = Enlightenment.

The young have more time to recover from bad falls. Take risks now! Jump, because your wounds will heal faster on your young body than to cause scars when your skin is withered.

P.S. New moon midnight premier on Thursday in Lester Square. I think I might explode.

The Apartment

2009-09-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Being in the apartment is like being saved. You leave the real world behind and step into a landscape in miniature. Within it's embrace you receive nourishment, through food and warmth you shrink in size and become small again. As the hours and days drift by you begin to feel nauseous, you develop aches and pains of the body and soul. You begin to suffocate, to long for fresh air and real life. Longing to be somewhere else, anywhere else overcomes you. Slowly as the grip tightens you must bid for escape, run for your life.

Once ejected from the killer apartment and all its comforts and promises you feel a surge of panic. The harsh light of responsibility shines on you again. The pain of misunderstanding and malnourishment return afresh. You experience elation briefly as you exhume your feelings, but the exhaustion returns. Your life is now your own again, and as the train leaves carrying with it the lingering scents of Brussels, once again life is full of possibilities. Yet how quickly you begin to miss and long for the apartment and all of it's comforts....

-Marjolaine Ryley, Photographer/ Poet

Autumn

2009-09-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

Has always been my favorite season.
The leaves fall and the smell reminds me of scampering in the pumpkin patch and corn maze. The air turns crisp, and the light seems to hit everything at a dramatic angle.
As I looked out over the lake at Heckfeild place this weekend the sun caressed the treetops and glistened from the water on the fountain. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry.
It is the ambiance of new beginnings and romance.
And, I get to break out the cute jackets and sweaters and begin to play with layering again.

Today was my first day of school. I loved it. I can safely say that I will be sufficiently challenged and that the education provided by this school is one worth having. I have already made some first-rate friends and we have had some fun parties through freshers week. I wont deny that I love the fact that we can just go to a pub together and just sit down and have a drink. So simple, so unapologetic. All those secret house parties for collage freshmen seem slightly demeaning and stupid. I am an adult now, so it is nice to be able to act like one too.

I miss home. A lot. But I am happy in the knowledge that this is what I want to do.
Today we talked about our hopes for the future in class. I realized that the only thing I want to be able to do, is be proud of myself. I am my hardest critic, and if I can say I did exactly what I wanted to, I can truly feel proud.

Shine For Me

2009-08-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

I Can Smell You
You Smell Of Everything
Fruit, Vanilla, Flowers, Spices, Freshness
You Fill Me With Joy
When Your Flame Burns Bright
You Light The Way On A Dark, Cold Night.
You Inspire Emotions
Like Fear And Romance.
And As You Dance,
I Am Held In A Trance.
Any Room Would Be Dark Without You,
Who Wouldn't Want To Light One Or Two?

A Careless Word Too Far

2009-08-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

Content
Fulfilled, Satisfied
Delighted, Enjoying, Pleased
Relaxed, Weightless, Heavy, Tense,
Yelling, Crying, Hating
Vexation, Anger
Displeased

to live

2009-07-15T04:31:00.000-07:00

"But I shouldn't want to be on the stage ALL the time - and when I wasn't playing a part, I'd like to be painting pictures, just for myself y'know - daubing like mad - with lots and lots and lots of the very brightest paint- tubes and tubes of vermilion and royal blue and emerald green and gamboge and cobalt and Chinese white. And then making all kinds of weird dresses for myself. And scarlet cloaks. And black crepe-de-chine gowns with orange dragons all over them. And cooking! Yes, doing sausages and gingerbread and pancakes. And sitting on top of mountains and going down rivers in canoes. And making friends with all sorts of people. And I'd share a flat or a little house with Kay in London, and Alan would come to stay with us and smoke his pipe, and we'd talk about books and laugh at ridiculous people, and then go to foreign countries-
I'd get it all in somehow. The point is, to live! Never mind about money and positions and husbands with titles and rubbish- I am Going To Live."

-Carol from Time And The Conways, Written by J.B. Priestley

My Apologies

2009-06-14T23:19:00.000-07:00

To any faithful readers of my blog for falling off the hemisphere.
I will try to redeem myself now by posting a long and detailed blog just for you.

I have chosen A school. I am going to The Academy Of Live And Recorded Arts. (ALRA)
This decision came after an incredibly crippling breakdown and a great deal of self-reflection that was all a result of the train wreck that was my Guildhall recall.
I could write about it, and I may in time to come, but right now lets just say that it meant the world to me, and it went badly.
I am however, quite recovered at this point and am increasingly excited and optimistic about life. I am motivated and there are so many things that I want to do that I can hardly think straight.

I just quit my job. Now, I never wrote about my job, sorry about that, but here it is.
About a month and a half ago I started a job as a hostess (or "receptionist" as they say here) in a very posh restaurant/brasserie in Mayfair, London. It is called "Hush" and is located on this secluded little courtyard off of Bond and Brook streets, directly facing an Armani Home store. It is truly high-end fine dining.
My uniform was a black suit complete with collared shirt and jacket. Instead of asking people "how many kids menus will you need?" (Red Robin). I would ask "Have You booked?" and "may I take anything for the cloak room?" The job was quite demanding, and not as easy as most hostess positions. The Hush organization is a massive one.
The main area where I was stationed was the Brasserie, which is on the ground floor. Inside is a large uniquely shaped room in warm tones and outside there is an Al Fresco Terrace.
Then, upstairs on the second floor is the main bar and cocktail lounge and an extension of the brasserie known as "The Silver Room." This is a large room with about 20 tables and a little more of an intimate and formal atmosphere, but the exact same menu as downstairs.
Then, on the third floor was the Private dining rooms, known as "strictly." There would generally be large parties of people booked in these areas most nights of the week, from intimate birthdays to company party's for up to ninety. We also had, "La Cave", hush's wine boutique. right next door to us, where we would sometimes have private parties booked and where there were some extra tables outside for us to serve at lunch time.

I always had to be super organized, as it was the receptionist's job to oversee all of these areas and know who had booked to be where and what parties were arriving when. Also, it was my job to be in charge of all the money and transactions. When people were ready to pay the bill, we would take hand held credit card machines and do the entire transaction right there at the table. We then would have to close out the tables at the till and keep track of all the discounts, complimentary bills and cash that go into and out of the resister. By far the worst part of the job was doing the cashing out at the end of the night when on closing duty. You had to go through all the bills and make sure that there were no mistakes, count out all of the cash and write out the information to the accountant. This could take forever and keep you there until about 1:00am on a bad night. By this time, the underground is closed and I would have to take a night bus to get home, which would take at least another hour.
There were only five Receptionists, and we all had to work about seven shifts a week. A shift would be anywhere between six to nine hours. Many days I was working back to back double-shifts, starting at eleven or twelve am, having a break at about three, and then working until closing. The fact that I was on my feet the entire time crippled me only about the first two weeks, and then I got used to it.
There is only one other time that I have worked harder in my life. That was Fashion Week in New York.

My coworkers were (for the most part) very nice. I really liked all of the waiters and most of the managers. I absolutely adored my manager. She was queen receptionist and the one who hired me. I really admire her on so many levels. She is classy and kind, and can be severe at times but is not in the least hypocritical or unjust. She is very sharp and it is really no surprise that she is a manager of the restaurant at the age of 23. There were a few people who I worked with who I, well, had differences with. But as I was quite new, I never did get to say anything and mostly would take any abuse they would throw my way.
I made friends with a British girl (the only one who worked there) who is a chef in the kitchen. We have hung out multiple times and have a scary amount in common. She rode horses all through her childhood and loves to cook (obviously). We get along really well.
There is only one British waiter. Everyone else is Italian, French, Polish, Russian, Hungarian, Spanish, or some other exotic nationality. I felt out of place with English as my first and only language and would sometimes think it was ironic as I stood between two people who were yelling at each other over me in a language I had trouble placing.
There were some incredible characters, and in hindsight, the job was a really unique experience. I really learned a lot, even though my time there was brief, and if nothing else, showed myself that I can deal with working hard, long, tiring hours.
The restaurant experience over here is extremely different from that in the U.S. It took me a few weeks before I had learned how to properly tell a customer "No". In order to deal with some of the situations, I really had to be direct and tell them how it was.
This was especially true for the Terrace. That cobble stoned secluded courtyard right in the middle of our little sanctuary was in such high demand that people would get downright nasty when they wanted a table. I had walk-aways, threats, and endless high-profile name drops from people desperate to have an outside table in this endless summer weather.

The best highlight about my job was the night of Tuesday the 19th of May. I was working the closing shift that night and one of the other receptionists came to me with a message from Claridges. (Claridges is one of the most famous, highest reputation hotels in London, and on the same block as Hush.) Some very famous "American opera star or something" was coming that night and that our service must be top notch. I looked down at the name on the reservation list and wondered briefly if Scott Carol might know who it was. I laughed to myself when I thought to tell him about it.
At about 8:30 a woman walked in and said the name of the reservation. I looked down and nodded, then looked back up. I then caught a glimpse of the people standing behind her, and my jaw literally dropped.
Kristen Chenoweth was less than six feet from me and I blinked twice before I was able to weakly say "this way Ma'am" and lead them to their table. As soon as they had sat down I sprinted to the cloak room and hyperventilated uncontrollably. I couldn't believe it. This is the same woman that my best friend and I have idolized since the age of 14, the same Musical theater Goddess who's countless works have been legendary. I knew the details of her life, everything from her early performances in Charlie Brown the musical and her role in the most recent Annie movie, to (of course) her role as the Original Glinda in Wicked the musical. I listen to her Christmas CD year-round, and some of my fondest memories consist of dancing around on furniture to the soundtracks of her works.
Greg, this awesome Polish waiter was serving them, and I immediately told him that she was very famous. He said that he would make sure that I was the one to take the bill. I spent the next two hours trying to be stealthy about my glances to table 24, and telling anyone on the staff who would listen that one of my childhood idols was sitting there. It was finally time to take their bill. The man sitting to her left put down his black American Express (the most prestigious, unlimited card one can have.) and I tried to be as nonchalant as possible. I had been playing with the idea of getting her autograph the entire night, but had run it by one of the head waiters who I was friends with and she told me that we were not allowed to. I could see why, after all, it is not like I was eating there as well, I was working, and it would seem incredibly unprofessional. Also, I had just started and I wasn't interested in loosing my job because I had no inhibitions or sense of propriety. All the same, I had a piece of paper and a pen in my jacket pocket just in case the chance presented itself. Just as I entered the card information however, one of my head managers came over and stood almost directly beside me. I cursed inwardly and walked away from the table feeling quite disappointed. five minutes later, they decided to leave and I stood next to the marble surface of the bar and held their coats. Kristen was at the back of the group, and as she passed I looked around desperately. The same head waitress who I had asked earlier stepped up beside me at just that moment and said, "Excuse me Ma'am, but my co-worker absolutely adores you and she was hoping to perhaps get your autogroaph."
"Sure." said Kristen in her all too familiar voice, and she turned to face me.
As she looked at me I suddenly felt a surge of emotion and tears began to well in my eyes. My throat closed up and I weakly handed her the pen and paper from my pocket.
I felt so incredibly stupid as I fought fiercely against the urge to cry. She said,
"what is your name sweetie?" and I was able to choke out
"...Jenny" after a moment. My voice sounded steady enough, if not a bit weak.
She wrote, "to Jenny, Love Kristy Chenoweth", and then set down the pen and turned back to me.
"Nice to meet you, Jenny." she said and held out her hand. I took it, and shook it meekly until she pulled it away.
As soon as they left I took up the paper and sprinted back to the cloak room where I let the tears out in floods. I was shocked with happiness. It took me five whole minutes to recoup, at which point I went out and thanked the waitress profusely.

I put in my notice last week when I realized that my only option was to get out of London for the summer.
As I write this, my mom is on a plane from Seattle, accompanied by our two dogs and cats. She was in England last week making plans, going on job interviews and buying a new car. Everything has been signed sealed, shipped and sold, and she is coming over for good. She has secured a beautiful house on the edge of an even more beautiful Estate in Newbury. She is renting this newly re-done country cottage from my grandmother's cousin. I went with her last week to see it, and it is everything you would expect country living in the south of England to be. The house has open square rooms with large windows, wood floors and fireplaces. The exposed dark wood beams on the ceilings and walls caused me to feel that I had stepped directly into the Bennet's house out of Pride and Prejudice. The estate itself is over 800 acres of countryside and trails. There are numerous fountains, a grand garden, a swimming pool and best of all....

Horses.

Mom was able to go for a trail ride last week with the on-grounds horse keeper and I am hoping that I will be able to do the same as often as possible. There are over 30 miniature horses who are bread on the farm, meaning that most of the babys have been born for this season. I was also able to meet some of the full-sized beauties that reside in the stables, and could barley contain my excitement and joy.
The people I am staying with now are quite ready to have me out, as our original agreement was a short term stay. They have been very kind to let me stay on for as long as they have, and all in all, it has been the best scenario for me over this stretch of time. However, I am now (Finally) finished with all of my auditions and ready to be somewhere where I feel a bit more welcome.
I am feeling so very city sick and found myself Googling "escape from London" a few weeks ago. Now that I know where I will be going to school next year I am excited to get an apartment with some classmates in that area, but wont be able to do that until late in the summer. So for now, I would be stuck in the same situation here in London, with few friends, getting progressively more broke and unhappy. The only difference would be that I would have to move god knows where and live with who knows who, while paying much more in rent than I am now. I think that a few months in the country with my mom and my pets is exactly what I need to stay sane.
So, I am going to go to Newbury and help mom unpack and get settled. I am already making plans to audition for some local theater in that area this summer, sign up for dance classes and get a part time job somewhere. I am also extremely motivated to learn how to play the guitar, so I will have to see how long I can stick with it.
Mom is going to pick me up in the new car from here tomorrow morning, and I am so excited that I could hardly sleep last night, tired as I was. I have been running my butt off these last few months, between auditioning and working, and I think that a relief from the city will be indescribable.

I am excited to start school in the fall, and to meet new people and learn. I have made the resolution to work so hard at Drama School that I wont know what hit me. I am going to give it my all and then some.
I know that I should be at peace with how I did with my auditions this year, as I was recalled to every school except one (LAMDA, which I knew I really screwed up). I received two offers and two wait list places and did amazingly well across the board. Many people audition year after year and don't get places, and the competition is so incredibly fierce that only the top 3% of auditionees are offered a chance to study on a course. Getting into a top drama school is harder statistically than getting into Oxford, Cambridge, or Harvard law.
It is amazing to know that I do possess some talent. To know that I am quite good at what I love is a relief. I beat out thousands of people for callbacks and have learned an incredible amount, and yet, I am still haunted by the things I wanted.
This stint of auditions felt like an experiment in life more than anything else. At times the experience seemed almost barbaric, and the roller coaster of emotions or the lack thereof that I experienced has changed me. I am trying desperately to understand what being an actor is all about, and I think that I have drawn a few conclusions. I have also discovered an incredible amount about myself. Many things that I want to change, or create within myself, and many things that I want to do for others.
Right at this very moment, the thing that is keeping me centered is the fact that I know exactly what I want in life. There is perhaps even more drive and passion in me than before I started (if that is possible), and now I have seen what is out there for the taking and the making. I feel so grateful to my situation and willing to give everything that I have to feel that I deserve all that I have. The fact that I am lucky enough to have true goals and dreams and the resources the pursue them, that is much more than many people can say. My priority's have been set in place and I am done with sadness and self pity.

Becoming aware of the prospects that face me was alarming at first. Realizing my shortcomings and mistakes was downright soul-crushing.
It sounds silly, even to me, to say it. But through my entire life I have been nothing but a dreamer. I could live day and night in my mind, dwelling on the past or daydreaming about the unrealistic future. I never realized, until these last few months, that I may have to grow up at some point. I always figured that by this point in my life I would have received my letter inviting me to Hogwarts, or that I would have met and fell madly in love with a vampire.
My unrealistic views of life were only reinforced by my charmed childhood and adolescence traveling the world and being praised for my beauty or criticized for my weight.
Upon discovering that I am an adult, I have made some strong resolutions to live life in the present, and to be living life every moment, for every moment. I am going to try to connect with people and focus on what is very important. I will take things as they come, and let things of the past fade. Most of all, I know that I have to work for what I want in life, and if I have to wait for it, I will. It doesn't matter how long it takes.

Drugs and alcohol will not play any part in my young life, ever. I am not going to settle for artificial happiness or be distracted from working progressively to attain my dreams. I am going to ask more of life.

I feel like I have been asleep and I need to wake up, but at the same time, I can't be in such a rush. I keep thinking that any minute I will be past my prime and that I will never be able to become an actress if I don't start right now. If you really want something, you will need to work hard and also have the right timing on your side. Sacrifice is giving up something good, for something better. I will give up time for a chance at what is most important.

whew. Ok, sorry for that rant. I am done now.

I hope that this gives everyone a good idea of what I am up to, and I will try my hardest to not wait as long between posts. Once school starts, I am sure that I will have plenty to write about. Here is a picture of The Royal Victoria Patriotic Building, where ALRA is located;

Lots of love! -Jenny

Countles Adult Realizations.

2009-05-30T17:50:00.001-07:00

I am growing and learning and having a bit of a breakdown all at once. I will post some of my reflections and newest thoughts when I am not so tired, but as I have just gotten home on the night bus from an 11 hour work day, I am ready to sleep....

When She Woke Up This Morning

2009-05-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

The sun was shining, and she could hear cathedral bells as they rung through the air across the park.
She walked, blinked and tried to breath.
Exhaustion hung around her limbs like invisible weights underneath her work clothes.
Other than the vague awareness of this, she felt nothing. Too much emotion had shaken through her over the last 48 hours, and now she tried to let the fresh morning sunshine into her eyes.
She arrived at the cafe where she had planned to do a trial shift. Her current job was not working. She walked in and shook hands with the manager. He gave her an apron straight away and she was put to work.
At moments she would force a small smile, but mostly she was just trying to concentrate through the haziness she felt.
She was to run the food from the kitchen to the tables outside.
After about two hours, she was feeling no different.
The sunshine made her head ache, as if it were meant to harm rather than help.
She took a heavy-laden tray in both hands and walked onto the grass. The tea cups clinked softly against their saucers as she walked. She reached the table where a man and two woman sat.
"Well, she has just gotten into drama school actually" said the man.
"Oh, witch one!?" said the woman
"The Guildhall."

The girl felt the tray slip from her hands and land on the table with a loud clank. She was very dizzy all of a sudden.
They stopped their conversation just long enough to shoot her an accusing stare before the man went on,
"She just found out last night. We are all very excited."
"well, yes" said the woman, "she IS AMAZING isn't she??"
The girl had set down the final tea and was back inside before she could hear any more. As she rushed past a co-worker, the they grabbed the girl's arm and asked her if she was feeling alright. She nodded deftly and motioned to the bathroom.
She stood, looked in the mirror and took some deep breaths. The more she stared, the more she hated the person who looked back at her. Never had she made such a fool of herself more than in the days previously. In all the years of her life, she had never known a disappointment in herself that was so complete. Shame. Pure. Simple. Shame.
Moments flashed through her mind like slides on a blank white wall.
She stood in front of a panel, eyes closed, fighting tears.
She had nothing to say. Their faces were clear as day, and they would burn in the back of her mind until she feels she can let them go.

I feel like I have no more tears to cry, and yet they come so easily.

Now Or Never

2009-05-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

Guildhall Final Round starts today.
Turn It Up.
Game on.

Bear with me...

2009-05-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

A new post is coming.....

It felt like love.

2009-05-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

Update

2009-04-23T03:15:00.000-07:00

It is summer here. Yesterday I spent the entire time outside in shorts and a tank top.
Today I am having lunch with Joc. Tomorrow I have my RADA callback, and on Saturday I am doing a call back for Drama Center London.
I will be starting my new job in about two weeks. I will be a "receptionist" (not hostess) in a very posh restaurant right off of Bond Street. I think that it will be good. I am excited to start in any case, and have something to do with all my time. Also, I am really starting to freak out about money, and having something to save will be good for me.
So, as it stands right now I am considering and being considered for five different schools. This is who I have auditioned for and the results, in order of my auditions.

Guildhall- Still in the running, Have a final callback in mid May.

Manchester Metropolitan University- Called back to final round, but unsuccessful in the end.

Liverpool Institute of Preforming Arts(LIPA)- Called back to the final round, on the "hold list" or "waiting pool".

Royal Scottish Academy (RSAMD)- Called back to first round, not second. Unsuccessful.

Royal Academy Of Dramatic Art (RADA)- Still in the running, have a callback tomorrow.

Central School Of Speech And Drama- Called back to first round, not second. I just called them today, seeing as I auditioned over four weeks ago. And the woman told me quite curtly that I was not on the callback list for the final round. so, Unsuccessful.

Academy of Live and Recorded Arts (ALRA)- Accepted!

London Academy Of Music and Dramatic Art (LAMDA)- No Callback. Unsuccessful.

Mountview Academy Of Theater Arts- Accepted!

Oxford School Of Drama- Still in the running, Final Callback next Tuesday.

The Drama Center London- Still in the running, Final Callback this Saturday.

Itaila Conti Academy of Theater Arts- Called back to final round. Waiting to hear in the mail.

There you are. I know that only a few people have tried to valiantly keep up with it all, and this spells it all out for you. So, when you see this list, there are seven (eight including LIPA) schools that I still have prospects for. Although, there are only five that I would truly consider of the ones left over. These include;

Mountview
ALRA
RADA
Guildhall
Oxford

I have a callback for Drama Center on Saturday, but I wouldn't go there over Alra and Mountview, where I have already been accepted. I am just doing the callback for the extra experience and because it was offered to me. I would not go to LIPA if a place was offered to me. I don't think I would go to Italia Conti if I was offered a place either. Although, I'm not 100% sure.

My favorite school is on that list. I am hoping against hope that they choose to take me on. I may be jinxing myself by just thinking about it, and truly, beggars can't be choosers.

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while. To tell the truth, I haven't felt that inspired recently. I keep wanting to write something funny. Something that people would enjoy reading. But I feel all dried up on humor, and pretty much everything else at the moment.

Second Acceptance

2009-04-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

The Academy of Live and Recorded Arts, or ALRA, as it is widely known, has accepted me into their program! It is very exciting. That is the school that my cousin Jocelyn went to and graduated from last year. I could see myself there, and I really enjoyed my time there while at the audition. Now, this is what you are wondering; "Do you like it more than Mountview (the other one)??"
Well, I really don't feel that I can say. I didn't spend enough time at Mountview to get a truly thorough feel for it. I have sent an email off to see if they will allow me to come for a school day and check it out, maybe meet some of the teachers and the students. I will find out.
As I still have another initial audition coming up, and I have at least four more recalls to complete, I wont be making any definite decisions very soon.
I have been fairly discreet in my blog entries. But I do indeed have a favorite school.
Hint: it isn't who you think it is.

All I Ask.....

2009-04-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

"Let me wake up in the morning to find I have someplace exciting to go..."
-A Chorus Line
Music by Marvin Hamlisch.

Don't Think Twice

2009-04-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

I have loved the auditioning process so much,
that a very tiny part of me is sad that it is coming to an end.
I have met so many amazing people. Nothing feels better than getting together with others who share your passion at the same degree as you, and who will be supportive and extend kindness, even in the most stressful of situations.
This is yet another confirmation that I have done the right thing. So many times I have wished that I could just be happy being an accountant, or something of that general nature,
and not have to put myself through the tedious, stressful and uncertain
life of an actor. But alas, there is no way it could be enough.
One of my strongest convictions has always and will always be to follow your heart,
and don't let anything stop you. If you truly want something, you have to believe
that you will get it. Otherwise, you close so many doors in your life that could lead to your dreams.
I thought that I was brave, coming over to England alone and applying for drama schools.
I thought that It was so special, so adventuresome and such a challenge.
Then I learned. I grew.
At my Mountview audition, there was a boy in a wheelchair. He was paralyzed from the waist down, and his hands were curled up into fists that he could only partially open and close. He got up in front of the entire room and preformed his monologues with such conviction and skill that I found myself completely focused on him.
He made it through to the second callback, and participated in improv games and team exercises. It was the most respectable sight I've ever seen.
Then I made a friend named Angela, she is from Portugal. We met first at my RADA audition, and then again at LAMDA. The next weekend we met up and went to see a show in Baron's court. I learned that she had originally gone to medical school, but that she really wanted to be an actress. The pressure from her family to be a doctor was overwhelming.
Even so, she quite med school, learned English, and came over to audition for acting schools all alone. Her family is so disappointed in her for not doing something practical, and she doesn't know how to convey to them the importance of her dream.
Look at these amazing people. These examples of bravery.
They have overcome so much, just to pursue their dream. If nothing else, at least they can say that they tried.
So I will take this opportunity to shun everyone who has ever held themselves back. Excuses are no good. Go for it! Do what you love, and don't let anything, especially not yourself, stop you. Believe in yourself, and know that you deserve to make your dreams reality.

Self Revelation #2

2009-04-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have been reading the intensely entertaining novel "Neither Here Nor There" by Bill Bryson for the past week or so. The novel follows his travels in Europe and he documents his progress with a sense of humor so close to mine that I feel like I could have written it myself. As he gets himself lost, tries to make conversation with foreign strangers and enjoys the simplicity of traveling alone from city to city, I feel so in tune with his writing, and sympathize with each and every one of his blunders.

However, I was reading one of his passages the other day and it caused me to have another epiphany, clear as day.
I can't find the exact passage now that I have looked for it, but it said something to the effect of "I could travel forever, and just enjoy endlessly wandering the streets of fascinating cities where the people dress differently, eat differently, and live completely different lives, while being at the same time strangely similar." He speaks of his undying itch to roam, and to have all sorts of unexpected events occur. At one point he even says that he "could spend my life arriving each evening in a new city."
My very first thought after reading this was; "What an idiot."
Now, I do not think that Bill Bryson is an idiot, but I most definitely cannot identify with that frame of mind.

I realize now, after having done quite a bit of traveling myself, that traveling can be amazing, and beautiful and eye-opening and inspiring, etc, etc. However, unless I am on some sort of quest for self discovery, or I have to travel for reasons other than leisure, I would never go alone.

Traveling, for me, from now on, will not be about what I get to see or do, but who I am with. What joy is there in experiencing an indescribable experience if you have no one to share it with?? What joy is there to be had from wandering streets alone, having nothing but your mind for company? Eating alone, sleeping alone, observing alone, riding public transport alone. All of your focus goes to your own needs and feelings, until you feel almost dulled to the outside world. The thing about vacations that should be treasured is spending time with the people who you love in your life. The people who's company you enjoy, the people who make you happy.
"I don't mind what we do, as long as we are together."
Otherwise, what a waste of money, what a waste of effort, all for what? So that you can say you took a self-centered trip to do things all alone? How fun.

This is just my point of view. And perhaps I am just in a hyper-sensitive frame of mind right now because my life has changed so much, but this is what I feel. I am proud of myself for setting my sights on something and then making it happen, and I would not change the fact that I have come over and made this happen for me, all alone, But lets just sat that once I have found my footing I will find as many people to latch onto as I can. I am a people person, what can I say?

Accepted

2009-04-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

Into the Mountview Academy of Theater Arts.
That is the one where the guy got angry at me for throwing the chair.
heehee.
It is (unofficially) The best school for Musical Theater in the country.
I am very excited. But of course, still interested in pursuing the other
options that are currently in the works. Before the month is out I will
complete the final callbacks for The Oxford School Of Drama and the Drama Center
London, and I will soon find out when my RADA and Guildhall callbacks are.
I have also yet to hear from LAMDA and Central School of Speech and Drama on
whether I have managed to secure a callback.
But Yay for Mountview! I feel good.

The Golden God

2009-04-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

So sweet and savory.
Made of the sun,
and sprung form paradise.
Severely refreshing, and
violently tart.
Bright, Shimmering, dewy,
succulent, luscious, honeyed heaven.
Pineapple my love.

I have become absolutely addicted to pineapple since being here.
Admittedly, I have some every single day. I am the single-handedly
keeping the pineapple industry from feeling the economic pinch.
The other night I went out for a late-night pineapple run, and it was later than I thought because it was the day we turned our clocks back, and the store was closed.
I had a fit. I was utterly overwrought. How DARE they deny me my pineapple! I walked around the area frantically for fifteen minutes looking for another place that might carry pineapple. I even went into the movie theater in a desperate, ill-advised attempt to find some. I felt just like a crack addict who couldn't get her boostie.

ahh, I am getting hungry for it just talking about it....

Self Revelation #1

2009-04-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

Today, as I walked along the Themes and watched the sun glisten on top of the water, I thought about the fact that I have never been a "city girl." I realized that my favorite part of every city is it's parks, and that in itself explains a lot.
I really can't stand cities.
Too bad that it is impossible to become an actress in an obscure country village.
If it weren't for the fact that this is what I have always wanted to do with my life, and that I would give up anything for this dream, I would be firmly placed in a small town somewhere else in the world.
I hate all the money that must be spent in order to live in a city, and I hate the fact that you cannot escape this giant mass of civilization, and most of all, I hate how lonely one can feel in a city. You are surrounded by so many other people that it just reminds you of your own loneliness.
Today, I walked outside in the sunshine for four and a half hours. I had a short sleeved tee-shirt on and found every park within a ten mile radius. I slumped down into the grass at one point and rolled onto my side. I closed my eyes and took a long, deep inhale of breath with my nose pressed to the ground. The smell was calming and indescribably wonderful. I had forgotten that smell of grass. It was if that one breath had cleared my nasal passage of the built up cigarette and gas and dirty garbage smells of the city, and I was breathing again for the first time in over a month.

Clarity

2009-04-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

Three things I have learned about myself;

1. When Italian men call me "Bella", I melt.

2. When I drink, it does nothing more than make me very very sleepy. Why bother.

3. I am shocked when people call me "Mame" or "Lady", as opposed to "Miss" or "Girl".
I suppose I am officially an adult now...

Five Differences between England and the U.S.;

1. The language (and I don't mean that jokingly). So many different words and meanings; for example, every time I talk about pants people think I am talking about underwear. A "hostess" is a hooker, and A Tramp is a homeless person. Trash is rubbish, rout is route, bathroom is Loo, gas is petrol and it goes on and on.

2. The plugs all have switches next to them, and must be turned on and off when you wish to plug in a hair dryer, phone plug, etc.

3. Radiators.
I have never seen a radiator in the U.S. We have general heating that comes on and blows heat out of vents in the ceilings and floors. No such thing here. Each and every building has radiators in every room, and when your really feeling the chill, you can light a fire (but not in London, where burning wood is banned for air cleanliness purposes.)

4. Almost everyone hang dries all of their laundry here. No driers. It leaves all clothing considerably more stiff and less delightful to smell.

5. The Food.
For the most part, it is worse. (except for the home cooking that I have been lucky enough to enjoy from kind family.) The British love their sandwiches. In every grocery store and lunch place there are these little sandwiches on regular bread that have been cut in half diagonally, packaged up, and are displayed with the middle facing up and outward, in order to see what is inside. Let me just stress that these are Everywhere. I cannot go into a store without seeing these stupid little sandwiches staring at me. And lets not forget about Marmite. Freaking Marmite.

My Two Splurges;

1. Pineapple.

2. Coffee (this, I am trying to put an end to. With little success)

Things I have yet to try;

1. These terrifying little pre-packaged eggs that have been hard boiled and then encased in some sort of deep-fried breading. mmmmmm.......not.

2. Black pudding.

Fun Fact;

I have almost died more times than I can officially count since being here. The terrible knack I have for being inattentive has proven to be dangerous when crossing the streets of London. I generally look the wrong ways before crossing the street to make sure cars aren't coming from the wrong direction before stepping out onto the asphalt..... There was one instance in particular where I saw my entire life flash before my eyes when I stepped out in front of a car coming down a one way street. I am positive that the driver thought I was actively trying to commit suicide. I was in the road and looking in the wrong direction down the road when I stepped out, and felt a rushing of air in front of me, as I looked at the car, I jumped onto my tiptoes and leaned back, matrix-style as my fingertips brushed the side of the car. It must have been going at least 30mph.

Clarity
By John Mayer is my favorite song.

In A World Of My Own...

2009-04-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

all the flowers would have very extra special powers, dah dah doo doo dee dah dah dah doo dee.........
The other day I was on the underground on my way to my Mountview audition and I was warming myself up by taking the "emotional journey" of my monologues. I was standing in the crowded subway car and staring in one direction as my mouth moved slightly while I said the lines. My face was contorting and I smiled wide at one point, and then followed it up with tears welling in my eyes and then an uncontrollable anger that I left boiling under the surface. It was only after about ten minutes of this that I realized the man standing beside me was staring at me with the most concerned look on his face that I have ever seen. Well, no, It was more half way concerned, half way affronted. He must have been convinced that I was staring at him, because that is the general direction my eyes were when I was staring into space and not focusing. At the next stop, he got off, throwing one more slightly terrified glance over his shoulder at me as he stepped off the train.
When the doors had closed again, I burst out into a stifled fit of giggles, causing the others around me to glance disapprovingly.

I have been invited to do a final recall for the Oxford School Of Drama.
Stoked? I think yes.

Yay!

2009-04-01T11:59:00.001-07:00

Great day at the Oxford School of Drama today.
It was just an amazingly positive experience. The weather was perfect. Everyone I met or saw again were amazingly sweet and all of the exercises and callback activities were fun. The school itself was a series of small buildings and refurbished barns in the center of a beautiful and peaceful field, The teachers were kind and extremely complimentary. And I have fallen Head over heels in love with the city of Oxford. I made it to the afternoon callback session and I will hear in the mail if I have a callback for the final recall soon.

My attitude is just like the weather today; sunny and light.

Yippy!!

Try Not To Smile...

2009-03-31T03:20:00.001-07:00

Nowhere Warm

2009-03-31T01:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day.
I went to audition for the Mountveiw Academy of Dramatic art. It is the top school in the country for Musical Theater, but I was auditioning for their Acting course.
There were about 45 people there that morning, we did our speeches, and then were narrowed down to about 20 for the afternoon. We did a workshop and then preformed our speeches again for a different panel.

For the workshop we started out with some movement exercises with the head of movement; A tall blond woman in her late 20's. Then we did some improv with the head of the acting program. He was a small and hansom man who couldn't have been over the age of 35.

I think I must have pissed him off. We were playing a game that involved me getting as angry as I possibly could. I was climaxing and there was no where else to go with it, I saw a chair and figured, what the heck? It worked for me last time? so I did, I picked it up and lightly tossed it. And boy, did he not like that. He stopped the scene immediately and firmly reprimanded me for throwing furniture. He said that if I broke the chair I would have to pay for it. I quickly picked up the little plastic chair and apologized profusely. I sat down and immediately regretted my ballsy action, I can only hope that he didn't count it against me too harshly.

After the next stage a few of the auditioniees (whom I had grown close to throughout the day) told me that they thought my chair-throwing was daring and different, and that it showed that I was willing to be an "out there" student who pushes the limits. At any rate I was regretting the decision throughout the rest of the day. It had been going quite well up until that point.

Anyway, then we did our speeches again for the head of voice and a professional actress who was judging. They re-directed my monologues and I tried to do my very best. We left at 5:30 and one of the really sweet girls I had met, Alice, and I made jokes about living on the edge and throwing chairs as we walked to the train. I will receive a letter telling me of the result.

I then rushed home and changed to go to the theater. I quickly threw on a dress and heels and put some earrings on before rushing out to the theater district. It was bustling and vibrant and full of people. I went to the Apollo theater and took my seat (which was pretty darn good actually) and flicked through my three pound program. The theater was alight with chatter and laughter, when all of a sudden, a huge crack of thunder ripped through the room, and it slowly fell dark. The thunder had given way to dramatic music that flowed and swelled as the lights on stage illuminated a large dark room. The music climaxed and broke just as James McAvoy burst through a door stage right in a dark overcoat. He then turned to the audience and addressed us, telling the story of his character's father. His wide smile glowed and his eyes twinkled, and I sat, unbelieving that I was in the same room as him.

The show was wonderful. Well acted, well directed, great stage effects, and a very good script. As it ended I asked an usher where the stage door was and made my way to the back of the building. I stood in the second row back of people who had already congregated there. It was only about ten minutes before James McAvoy came out and began signing autographs. Cameras flashed and suddenly the crowd around me began to grow and jostle. People were shouting, and suddenly it all felt very overwhelming. I held my program out and he took it from me while talking to someone else, signed it, and then without looking, handed it back. I was just staring. I was less than five feet from him, and I really didn't mind that he hadn't said anything to me. As a matter of fact, I know that if I had tried to open my mouth all that would have come out would be a sort of guttural gurgling noise, I'm sure. I then pulled away from the crowd and walked down the street to the station.

I looked at the signature in large, bright blue letters, and felt a sort of detachment again. The surreality of it all, I just don't know how to react. I felt very close to some of the things that they had said in the show that night, One of which being that "it seems as though everyone in this city knows some secret information that you don't", about life, or how to live it, and all you really want is to just find out that secret. That is how I feel sometimes. I walk around this city and don't know how to belong. How to be happy and do things the right way. But in the end, you realize that there is no secret, and that we are all just struggling in the same way.

On the subway on the way home, and Italian man struck up a conversation with me and asked me if I was Russian. He was a sweet man, with a full head of gray hair, must have been at least 45. He worked for the Italian Embassy here in London. I figured that I would be nice and talk to him, even though I didn't really feel like it. Then, just before I was about to get off the train, he told me that he would be delighted to buy my a cappuccino or something, that it would be his pleasure. I had to stop myself from letting my jaw flop open. I almost said "don't you think your a little old for me??" but then thought better of it. I politely thanked him, but told him that I was expected somewhere, and then hurriedly left the train.
As I stepped out of the station, I looked up at the sky and shouted,
"Is my life just one BIG JOKE?!?!"

Because I really can't tell.

I forgot...

2009-03-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

I made my very first splurge today and spent twenty-eight pounds on a ticket for a performance of the West End show "Three Days Of Rain." Starring....guess who.... JAMES MCAVOY!! Yeah, pretty stoked. I am going tomorrow night after my audition for Mountveiw.
Now, if only Robert Pattinson would jump on the West End show bandwagon, but somehow I don't think that is likely.....

Many Things Have Happened,

2009-03-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

But I still can't help but feel that most of my time is being frittered away wastefully.
I find myself wondering what to do next, and having mixed emotions that include the drive to take advantage of the massive sprawling city at my feet and the fear of spending money wastefully or exerting time and effort into something that will be ultimately unsatisfactory.
There is only so much time you can spend wondering alone in the city before your private astonishment and wonder turns into something more like a constant buzzing of emotion and scattered thoughts about nothing that really matters, so that at the end of the day, I look back and can't remember a thing that flicked through my mind.
I know that this time is just temporary, and that as soon as I have something concrete to focus on, it will get much better. I will make friends and meet new people, and I do not regret my choices whatsoever.

So I had my sort of "third stage" of my ALRA callback on Friday. I did nothing more than talk with the program director and admissions supervisor for an hour. It was just pleasant and laid back and it was great to bounce ideas back and forth with them and hear all about the program they offer. Lets just say that if they reject me now, I will take it a lot more personally.

Then on Saturday, I had my LAMDA audition. The day was completely surreal. I hadn't done much to get pumped up and I was scheduled to audition at 12:30. I rolled out of bed, put on my clothes, and spoke through my pieces a few times while brushing my teeth. I lazily got onto the train and arrived at the school twenty minutes early. I was greeted by some friendly, laid back students who said that they were running completely ahead of schedule and asked if I wanted to just go straight in. I was like, "Sure, why not?"
I walked into the performance space and came face to face with one man and one woman. I stood before them in the spotlight toward the far end of the room and listened pleasantly as the woman explained the fact that they would stop me if I went over time and that I would be lead to another room for an interview when I was done there.
I told them what pieces I was doing and then, after a deep breath and a "focus moment" I began.
I remember wondering "what is going on?" as I said the first few lines of my Shakespeare, but then tried to re-focus and get into it. It was no use. I just felt like I was standing there and spewing off lines, suddenly I felt quite dizzy in the semi-darkness and tried to understand how to fix my altogether lack-luster performance. I could almost see myself, like I was sitting in a chair behind the panel and watching a dazed me with forced intonation while making the same hand gesture over and over again. I'm sure that it wasn't THAT bad, but for some reason that is the way I felt.
I finished, thanked the judges and walked to the door in the corner of the room. I came out, and was led to where the interview was taking place.
It was right off the main entrance hall, and as I sat in a chair outside the room where the girl in front of me had just gone in. I suddenly realized that I was at LAMDA.
From the trip to London last year, when I looked at four different drama schools, LAMDA had been far and away my favorite. It seemed that I had been dreaming of this moment for as long as I could think. I was AT LAMDA, AUDITIONING for LAMDA, and I was sitting there, totally chilled out and cool as a cucumber, not even nervous enough to put extra energy into my audition. I have never been high, but as I sat there, I felt that I knew how it must feel.
I felt so separate from what was going on around me, and seemed unaware of the gravity of my situation. I cannot think of a moment more contrast to the way I felt at my Guildhall audition, practically peeing my pants at every moment, and nauseated to the point of dizziness.
Then I was interviewed. One man and one woman. They were very kind and I made small talk about the tablecloth before they began to ask me questions about myself. One of the first questions was how I felt my audition had just gone. I remember saying things like "oh, I've done better" and "I just don't think I woke up in the right mood today".....WHAT??! Then they asked me how my other auditions with other schools had been going, and I seemed to make it out like I was very secure in my current situation and having callbacks all over the place.
....WHAT!!??!....
I just am looking back at some of the things I said and am wondering what alien force took me over and said things that even now I cringe to think of. I didn't say anything completely unacceptable, and I did backtrack after I had said a few things, trying to save it, but overall, when I left, I felt a sort of silent astonishment at my own efforts. I didn't mess up per say, but I just,..... I don't even know. It is up to them now. I will hear within the next couple of weeks.

Last night I went to see "The Young Victoria" I sat through the beautiful movie and cried and laughed and loved every minute of it. I walked back alone in the rain and all of a sudden I was seized by an immense urge to run. I began to sprint and spread my arms wide as I leaped into puddles of water that had been made murky by the grimy city streets. I felt a huge surge of emotion that was somewhere between sorrow and joy. I ran faster. The city lights were bright and I felt as though I was running toward something, other than the Fulham Broadway station, but that there was something or someone waiting for me at the end of the next block. Something I had waited for, anticipated. I slowed to a walk and thought about my dreams and the complexity of luck and chance. Most of all, I had faith, in that moment, I had faith that I would someday find what I am looking for.

I am so totally freaked out right now...

2009-03-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

I am all alone in the house tonight and I was sitting in my room on the computer when I began to hear music playing from the other room across the landing.
A classical haunting song filled the air, and I was filled with a terror that is hard to describe. I walked onto the landing and said "hello?"
I then turned the light on with a shaking hand and saw a very old radio up against the far wall that had just turned itself on. I ran over to it and pulled its plug from the wall as my heart beat to the point of being audible above the music.
I looked around once the music stopped and felt as if I was in a bad horror movie.
This sucks....

Last Night Was Another Utter Fail...

2009-03-26T02:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I tried to go to the LAMDA show. I made the mistake of thinking that the show would be at the actual school, but it was of course at a theater in another location.
A nice man at the school pointed me in the right direction of the theater and told me that it was a half an hour walk. The show started at 7:30, and it was 7:00. I sprinted down the road until I reached the area that he was talking about. I walked up and down the street and didn't see the theater, I stopped several people and asked them if they knew where it was. No one did. I didn't have the exact address and I was alone on the dark empty street with no idea where I was or where to go. I was so frustrated and upset about missing the show that I just sat down on the curb and started to cry.
I let it all out.
I haven't cried since I got here, and everything just exploded; the stress, the loneliness, the worry an all the fear, it came out on that dark curb.
After about two or three minutes of that I wiped my face and told myself that was quite enough. I reached into my purse to check my phone and felt the piece of paper with the LAMDA information on it that I had stuck in there that morning. I ripped it out, and sure enough, on the third page was the address of the theater I was looking for.
I calmly opened my map book and then I was sprinting again. I reached the front doors just as a man in a suit was coming to lock them. He took one look at my sweaty, tear-stained face and asked me how he could help. I told him that I was on the wait list for the show and that I had gotten horribly lost. He told me that the show had just started and took me around to the back door of the theater. I sneaked into the back row and heaved a huge sigh as the colors of the stage worked their magic on my mood...

All you can do is laugh...

2009-03-25T05:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had an audition for the Academy of Live and Recorded Arts (ALRA)
There is no way to get there on the underground, and the closest train station is for overground trains. Well, me being the smart person I am, decided to take buses all the way there, even though I haven't taken a bus since I have been here...
So I got up really early and got on a bus from the closest stop to my house, having the instructions that I had found online the night before all written up and in front of me, and got onto the bus.
Well, long bus ride made short, I finally got off, looked around, and realized that I was in the completely wrong place, and opened my London map book. As I searched through the back of the book, I realized that the street I was standing on wasn't even in the city limits.
Double Crap.
I started to stop everyone on the street and asked them for help. One man pointed me in the direction of the nearest train station and I began to run. I looked at my watch, it was 8:30, and the audition started at 9:00.
Triple Crap.
I made it to the station and tried to convey my urgency to the young man behind the counter. He just laughed and tired to make some witty comments until I gave him a look of incredulous that forced him to shut up and print my dam ticket back into London.
I got onto the train and tapped my foot on the ground as I watched the clock on the car wall race by. The train crawled and then stopped, and then crawled and then stopped and then eeked a bit and then stopped again! I was on the verge of tears and I was so angry at myself. Why hadn't I double checked the bus route to make sure it was the right one? How could I be so stupid? I was having such a good track record for not getting lost, and I was now staring out the window at all of the landmarks that I had passed while on the bus, now rushing past in the other direction.
I got to the main station in London and looked at the train schedule, it was now 9:10 am and the next train that I needed was not for another 10 minutes. I decided that it was time to take drastic measures and get a cab. I slammed the door and told the cab driver to go as quickly as possible to the address I read off. He said that with traffic it was going to be about 20 minutes and I blinked back tears as I said I didn't care. I called the school and they reassured me that it would be alright and that they would let me audition still.
As I stepped out of the cab, 20 pounds poorer, I thanked the cab driver and ran through the front door and to the main office. I knew exactly where it was from my visit last year and asked for the direction of the auditions. The receptionist were kind and reassured me that it was alright to catch my breath. I slumped into a chair and changed my shoes and after a few deep breaths I was lead to the main hall. I entered in the middle of warm ups and threw my things against the wall. I jumped in and no one seemed to notice that I was late.
Thank goodness.
The audition carried on after some fun and different warm up games. There were two separate panels, one who saw your Shakespearean monologue and one that saw your contemporary. There was a lot of downtime and I talked with some of the current students and others auditioning. It was super laid back.
Then they brought out the list.
Ten people were called back to the second round out of the 45ish there.
I was one of them.
We did movement and improvisation work, various games and focus exercises. It was fun, and by the end of the movement portion we were all drenched in sweat and gasping for breath.
Then the panel reconvened and came out with the list for the final round.
There were four names called, mine was not.
I grabbed my things and said goodbye to the people I had met, then left the school with one of the other girls and we talked and walked back to the subway station.
I was disappointed, because rejection is never fun, But not distraught.
I felt that I had done well, and figured that they just were not the school I was meant for......

Well,

Today I received an email inviting me back, and saying that "we may have too hastily rejected you from the audition process, and would like to invite you to continue your audition from where you left off yesterday.."
Now that is pretty exciting. Of course that's only the kind of thing your subconscious dreams of, the far-fetched result the one jokes about with friends. I laughed out loud when I read it. I will be going back on Friday and having an interview.
Wish me luck.

Stressful, Silly, Savage, Scary, Sweaty.... Auditions

2009-03-25T05:25:00.000-07:00

She heard her alarm start to beep and slowly stirred, opening her eyes. She tried to understand the noise and suddenly shoots up, sitting in bed and rubbing her face with both hands. She dresses quickly in the clothes she had set out on the chair at the bottom of her bed, and hurriedly runs a brush through the notches that had formed the night before.
She gulps down a large black tea, missing out the milk for the benefit of her voice, and grabs a small apple from the counter on the back wall. She is out the door and singing her various warm ups before reaching the bottom of the drive. The cool morning air is fresh and crisp, and the perfect temperature. She runs to the corner cafe and buys a single croissant. She grabs the small, white paper bag from the man and drops the exact change into his hands.
The subway platform is moderately busy, and as she reaches her hand into the bag, she is delighted to feel that the croissant is still warm. She breaks off the end and puts it into her mouth, the soft, buttery flakes shattering into a thousand pieces as they hit her tongue.
She stands on the train and places her feet strategically apart so that the stops and jerks of the underground do not throw her balance off, and throws her apple core into the empty white bag. Even now, she has her eyes closed and is muttering the words of her first monologue silently to herself. She steps out into the sunshine as the city rushes around her, stopping momentarily and holding her pocket map in front of her face, twisting it into different directions and squinting, as if it would help her to suddenly spot the landmark she is missing.
She asks someone. And sure enough, there it is. She takes a deep breath and ascends the steps to the front doors. She places her hand onto the handle and pulls...

I Have A New Theory....

2009-03-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

about auditioning....;
Have and entire week off, don't practice,
procrastinate,
then on the morning of, wake up two hours early,
run through the pieces that you have never done before a few times, Freak out majorly,
kick yourself and feel stupid,
before leaving and going to the school.
And then, WORK IT OUT like a pro.
Today I auditioned for the Central School of Speech and Drama,
and I had a really good time.
There were masses of auditionees, about 90.
I was in a group of seven people. We started the day off with a warm up, then a workshop, and after that a tour of the school. Then it was time for our auditions.
We got to watch everyone else in our group preform in front of the panel, and of course,
I was last.
I am always freaking last.
Anyway, I did my Joan of Arc piece, that I finished memorizing about two days ago,
and then my modern "A...My Name Is Alice" piece. It felt amazing to do my Shakespeare, it just felt so natural and real, so unrehearsed and it was just powerful. All the emotion just flowed, and it was just fresh.
Then we had a break for lunch, and I ate with some really nice girls, one who was in my group and one who I had been in the final round at Manchester with, and then everyone congregated back in the theater for callback results.
I think I held my breath the whole time they were reading, and as they drew farther down the list, I was sure that i wasn't on it.
I was the very last name called. My other two friends were called back as well, and we were all so excited.
There were only ten called back for the Acting for stage and screen and I was the second one in the room. (not last! yay!)
There was a panel of two and a second year student who was helping me.
They asked me to do my other Shakespeare (which felt even less prepared than the other one), but I jumped in.
Then they challenged me with some improv, and had me create a personal scenario and play off of "Danny" the student in the room. It was demanding, and for the first time since my Guildhall audition, I was pleasantly surprised and felt challenged by what they were asking of me. I threw myself in completely, and at one point got so angry that I picked up a chair and threw it.
Either they loved it or they hated it, but I had a great time, so I don't really mind.
I will hear if I have made it to the final round callback in the mail soon.
I hope I do, I really enjoyed Central, and it was great fun to jump in after a whole six days not auditioning.
I was thinking on the subway back about how much I love to audition and meet new people, and thought to myself that I could just keep auditioning forever.
Then I realized, that if I am going to be an actress, I will, and that it wont just end when I get into a school.
And that thought brought a smile to my face....

Any Ideas?

2009-03-22T02:26:00.000-07:00

Of something to do in London,
That is cheap
and fun to do Alone?

Me Either.

"Move On

2009-03-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

Stop worrying where your going, move on.
If you can know where your going, you've gone,
Just keep moving on.
I've chosen, my world is shaken,
so what?
The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not.
You have to move on.
Look at what you want, not at where you are;
what you will be. Look at at all the things it's done for me,
Opened up my eyes, taught me how to see, notice every tree...
I want to learn how to get through to something new,
something of my own.
Anything you do, let it come from you,
Then it will be new.
Give us more to see...."
-Sunday In The Park With George,
Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

WARNING!!

2009-03-19T04:24:00.000-07:00

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Young women everywhere have been struck with an unfortunate affliction. The situation is widespread, and growing stronger daily. The area that appears to be hit the hardest is London.
Young women everywhere are not wearing pants.
This situation is highly devastating, and we should all work our hardest to rectify the demise of tasteful fashion.
Young women of all body types and builds, have suddenly refused to wear anything on the lower halves of their body's than skin-tight leggings, leaving one confused member of society wondering where their pants have gone. Me.
These girls find it fit to leave their house with nothing but a shirt and leggings, and to walk around in public like its no big deal.
Excuse me, but when did it become socially acceptable to NOT WEAR PANTS, isn't that one of the first rules your mother's taught you when you were young?
I am not even picky, if you want to wear a skirt, go for it, shorts, alright then, dresses, Capris, pantsuits, anything!! I just don't want to see each and every detail of your "goings-ons".
For some reason, this seems to be the most common outfit for young girls auditioning for drama schools. There have been multiple occasions when I have been tempted to turn to the girl next to me and offer her the spare pair of pants I have in my bag, as she seemed to have lost hers.
Even those who have the figure to carry off the fashion (and so few do) should not do so. Take it from me, This fashion is not o.k. it's not even remotely O.k. and I will have no part in it.
P.S.(Maddie: I have seen girls who are wearing leggings, a shirt and...Uggs. I think I actually had to stop myself from gasping out loud the first time I witnessed this grievously misled young woman.)

Oh...My...God

2009-03-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

The RADA show.
mm....yeah. Well, wow.
Firstly, I have never seen so many attractive young people in one room before. This includes my modeling experiences. The theater was gorgeous, The set amazing and the costumes phenomenal. I sat down in the middle of a row close to the front. As I was waiting for the show to begin, people began sitting around me. One man came in, looked straight at me and then came over and sat in the seat next to me. He was probably in his late 30's. Maybe younger. Within a matter of seconds, he turned to me and said;
"So what do you do?"
I told him that I was auditioning for drama schools, and that I had come to check out RADA. He seemed interested, and asked which schools I had done so far and how it had been going. I told him well, and mentioned my audition and upcoming callback to RADA.
He asked me where I was from and which monologues I had been preforming for my auditions.
He then told me that he was an agent, scouting the students in the show. At this, a hundred questions for him popped into my head. I only had time to ask him a few before the curtain went up however, and the show started. The show was called "Rookery Nook", a 1920's comedy/farce that had me laughing out loud to the extent of having to stifle myself. At one point, the agent, I realize now that I never got his name, leaned over and whispered that the girl on stage at the time was "one of the best actresses he had seen in years." That she was "Effortless." I understood exactly what he meant. her performance stood out from the others easily, and nothing she did seemed even the slightest bit unnatural.
Intermission came and everyone proceeded down to the lobby. I barley had time to use the bathroom when we were called back to our seats. The agent turned to me again and asked me why I was applying to schools in the UK, and not the US. I was right in the middle of explaining the difference between the programs when he suddenly looked at me with a funny expression on his face and blurted out:
"You're going to get into RADA. There is something special about you."
I had no idea what to say. I managed to stammer out a quick "thank you" as my eyes darted quickly to my knees. HE even looked shocked that he had said it.
Then I said, "Lets hope so!"
He knocked on the wood at the back of the seat in front of him and smiled.
As the show continued, I noticed the woman beside me had a notepad and was taking notes. She also had a list of names and characters. She was an agent too. Then I looked, and the man next to her was an agent as well. I had managed to sit in an entire ROW of agents! At the end of the show, the agent wished me good luck and I said that it was nice to have met him. Before I left the lobby, I noticed a guy who looked remarkably like Robert Pattinson among the crowd of who looked like current students.
"This" I said to myself, "Is what I want to do." I walked out into the cool night air with the biggest smile I have felt in quite some time.

It Has Been Another Beautiful Sunny Day.

2009-03-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

The skies are blue, the birds are singing, and I was walking through the Hurlingam park this morning. The day was indescribably beautiful and I enjoyed the light breeze that blew off of the Thames and through my light sweater as I listened to soft contemporary french music on my Ipod. The only thing that was missing was someone to share it with.
The sun has been out for the last four days in a row. It has been unbelievably clear and mild, and I am wondering if I truly am in London, or if I landed somewhere more tropical by mistake.
Last night my cousin Fred took me out at Covent Garden and I had a really nice time. We got Guinness' to celebrate the holiday and then got some dinner. I am really glad that he invited me.
I am very excited for tonight as well, I am going to see a RADA production. Its a bummer that I m going alone, but at least I am going.
Anyway, missing everyone, but surviving!

See That Post below...

2009-03-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well disregard it!!
This day has just taken a turn for the GREAT!!!
I have a RADA callback.
Let me repeat myself R A D A CALL BACK!!!!!
wow. I think if I gloat any more I may jinx it,
but everyone should be excited and cross their fingers for me!
(I am also going to see a RADA show tomorrow night, which I am
also very excited about)

downer day..

2009-03-17T06:31:00.001-07:00

missing you.

Smoking...

2009-03-14T10:51:00.001-07:00

Is So NOT COOL.
Today I went down the Portobello road at Jo's recommendation.
It is a world famous Saturday market, that sold so many wonderful things. There was fresh produce, antiques for Miles, scarves and accessories, and vintage clothing that was off the freaking hook baby! I loved it, it was amazing, I was smiling the whole time, I want to go back.... except.... The smokers were OUT OF CONTROL.
There were thousands of people there, literally, thousands, from all over the world, I heard countless languages as I strolled through the crowds. and about 65 percent of them were holding a cigarette as they walked down the road. I found myself feeling lightheaded and sick and needing to sit down, and I would have to retreat into SHOPS in order to get a breath of fresh air every 100 feet or so. When I got home after about three hours walking around the market I felt violently sick. Really nauseous. I collapsed into be and retched for a little while before I feel into a deep sleep. I have just woken up. Like I said, smoking= gross. No joke.

oh..

2009-03-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on the way back to London I bought a cheese and onion sandwich.
Now, I know that sounds disgusting...
well, it was.
I'm not sure what I was thinking.

Back In London

2009-03-13T03:12:00.000-07:00

and I don't feel like moving at all.
I am so tired and glad that I will be staying put for a little while.
My next audition is not until Monday, and that will be RADA. Oh Boy.
But until then I will be trying to re-coup and take it easy, otherwise I am sure to come down with something.
I auditioned on Wednesday for the Royal Scottish Academy for Music and Dramatic Art, or the "RSAMD". I loved the school and the audition process was pretty fun. I met some really nice people and discovered that James McAvoy came over just before Christmas and did a workshop with the second year students. I just about peed my pants at the thought of it. I wanted to do well, but the whole day felt a bit lackluster on my part. I was really tired I think, and I realized how drained I was from all the stress and travel. There were about 35-40 people at the beginning of the day. My first round audition was definitely my worst yet. I sort of stuttered a line at the beginning of my second monologue. But it wasn't a train wreck by any stretch of the imagination, I really didn't know. I had to wait around for a long time before the list was posted, and by the time is was I had convinced myself that I wouldn't get a callback. But there I was on the list! There had been 11 people on the first callback list, including some nice people whom I had talked to that morning. I felt revitalized! I was so happy to be on the list and determined to give my second time around more effort. They gave us a packet of sight reading material and we had to choose one passage that we wanted to prepare and read to the panel. I chose one with two characters and a narrator, and decided to present it in the format of a Prose piece (Speech and debate).
I went in third and greeted the new panel of three with A confident smile. They saw my two monologues again, redirected one, had me do my sight reading and then interviewed me. I felt calm and confident throughout the time, and when I closed the door behind me I felt confident in my second round.
I then had another long waiting period in front of me, so two other girls and I walked down the street to a coffee shop. They were really sweet and we had some good conversation that helped to distract me from the prospect of the second callback list being posted.
One of the girls told us about her auditions last year. She had auditioned for five schools, been called back to each and every one, and then in the end didn't end up getting a spot at any. I was shocked. It was an unpleasant reality check to me. Just because I have done quite well thus far does NOT mean that I am guaranteed a place anywhere, and my stomach churned at the thought of this new revelation. We walked back to the school and talked little. I was busy thinking about what faced me. I was thinking about how exhausted I was when it hit me that I had at least 8 more auditions to attend, not including subsequent callback rounds that may be necessary. The stress of it almost made me stop walking. We returned to the drama hall with only minutes to spare before the second callback list was posted. Suddenly I fiercely wanted to be on it, and had little doubt that I wouldn't be. I was ready to throw all of my remaining energy into the final round, and I wanted to keep my card in for this school.
The list of five was posted. I was not on it.
I read it twice, just to be sure.
I deeply exhaled, and smiled. There was nothing else I could do.
I grabbed my stuff and wished luck to both of my friends who had made it through.
Jo picked me up and drove me back to Gartmore. I was a little disappointed, but mainly exhausted. I figure it was a very good thing that I was not called back, because if I had gotten on too much of role I'm not sure what would have happened. My trip to Glasgow and the RSAMD was a good dose of reality and gave me many new things to think about.
It is funny, but in my first audition, they asked me about the results of all the other auditions. I replied that I had been called back to every one so far. However, the fact that they asked, and then wrote it down, really bugged me. What should it matter what other schools think of me? It should depend on whether they think I am right for THEM or not. I almost said this, but then thought better of it.
But I might if another school asks me. I don't know. For now I am just going to try to relax and regroup.

There Is Nothing I Love More....

2009-03-13T02:57:00.000-07:00

Than a creepy little pervert.
And boy am I lucky, because last week on the train this is exactly what I ran into. On my way from Liverpool to Scotland I was staring out the train window at the sprawling countryside and day-dreaming about Edward Cullen when two men came over. One sat in the row ahead of me and the other in the seat beside me. They must have been spannish or something, but they were short, and almost more ethnic looking. Anyway, I budged up a bit and didn't mind too much, as the train was quite full. That is, I didn't mind until mister funny-as-hell pants started to make subtle but nonetheless obscene noises and gestures in my direction. I wasn't quite sure what he was doing until I looked directly at him and he smiled the most greasy and suggestive smile I have ever seen. I gave him a look that would have stopped a mad dog in its tracks, and then turned back to look out the window. He didn't stop however, and I was quickly thinking about what I would say and do if he made any move to touch me. I was going to throw a ear-splitting, attention grabbing scene the likes of which Britain has never seen. I was going to tell him to move his perverted little self to another seat before I went utterly ape-shit on him.
Then I decided that I wasn't going to give him the chance. I firmly told him to get up, grabbed my stuff and promptly moved past him and down the isle to sit next to a woman reading. As he got up, however, he spilled his coffee all down his front and pants. As I started away, I smiled wide. Karma is great, but I still couldn't help but wonder where my Edward Cullen was when I needed him.

Well...

2009-03-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

I don't want to jinx it, but that's three for three. (Callbacks that is.)
LIPA was today, and there must have been about 150 people there auditioning, it was intimidating as heck.
9 were called back.
I enjoyed myself and certainly got some things out of it. I was there from 9 am to about 5:15 pm.
all I can say at this point is; BOO-YAH!

I can hear the seagulls

2009-03-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

Outside the hotel room window.
I am in currently in Liverpool, after spending the last two nights in Manchester
and auditioning for the Manchester Metropolitan University's acting program. The city of Manchester itself left me wanting. The audition was a blast though!
I met another girl from America there and she was super nice. We were both there for our initial auditions and there was a huge group of people there for a recall.
We both preformed our monologues for one of the acting program's teachers, who then sent us straight into the recall to join all the others. There must have been thirty to forty people there! The day was so much fun and I didn't even feel nerves at any point while doing improve games, team-building exercises or preforming my pieces, I just was so thrilled to be there and thoroughly enjoying myself. In the end, My name along with six others were called into the final round, where I preformed my monologues for the entire panel of acting teachers! I will learn within the next few weeks whether I have been accepted or not.
I am preparing to audition for the Liverpool Institute for Preforming Arts tomorrow morning bright and early, and I am a bit more concerned about how this one will go. I am
doing speeches that I have not done before and singing my hard song for the first time in a while. I walked around Liverpool today and I really liked what I saw. It is a pretty huge city and quite trendy and bustling. It is also quite clean and visually appealing, which is not what I have been repeatedly hearing. I am staying in an extremely European hotel at the moment, with one tiny room and a public restroom and shower. I think its rather fun though, and quite the adventure!
I am so happy to have wireless internet again after Manchester. Yesss
Everybody think happy thoughts for me tonight, for I will be auditioning at LIPA and I will need it.

Violently Happy.

2009-03-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

I have been Called back to the Guildhall School of music and drama.
Today was indescribable. Just like a roller-coaster. I felt as though I was going
throw up the entire time, But such a high at the end.
Amazing.

Officailly....

2009-03-03T12:47:00.000-08:00

I am the ballsiest person I know.

Charmed Life

2009-03-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

The plane ride was not at all what I expected....

It was not riddled with the all to common panic attacks that have
plagued me of late.
It was not filled with exasperated sighs at myself
There weren't even tears (that is, after the reading of a certain letter was out of the way).

By the time the plane took off for London from Seattle airport,
a overwhelming peace had overtaken me. I realized that no matter what happens,
my life is much more than anyone could hope for. When I thought of all the
people who love me, and who will always be there for me, I knew that I would
be alright.
My life is brilliant. and I am so grateful.

Two More Nights.....

2009-02-27T08:18:00.001-08:00

In my own bed.

Seven Days In Sunny June....

2009-02-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

Well, not really. its February. But it feels like June.
I Have been in San Fransisco and the surrounding areas for four days
now, and it is utterly glorious.
This city is pretty awesome. Every day has been utterly fun filled and adventure
jam-packed. Yesterday we went to Fort Point, the golden gate bridge, Ghirardelli Square,
and Sausalito. Then we went to dinner at Susan's favorite restaurant; Luna Park.
The day before that dad and grandpa took me to Woodside and every other non-city area
in the Bay. I was utterly enchanted. The area is so beautiful. We went for a walk in the woods by a creek and drove through the farmland. We even went to the beach.
The horse culture in this area was exceedingly evident.
There were multiple times when young women passed us on horseback.
In these moments my jealousy would exceed the ability to communicate it in words,
so I would merely groan a soft sigh.
We have been very busy while here, but I have also had some time to work on my monologues, speaking of which, is exactly what I SHOULD be doing right now....

Bruised But Not Broken!

2009-02-13T09:12:00.000-08:00

Hey all!! Jenny here.
I know that it has been quite a while. But seeing as I have been home since Tokyo, I have been able to see and talk to everyone I know and love, and I don't have the audacity to think that random strangers care what is going on in my life.
So now it is time again, to start over and write about something new. My life is going to change drastically within the next few months, and no one knows exactly what is going to happen. My plans right now involve a long trip to London, rigorous auditions that will determine the course of my LIFE, and some other small adventures along the way. I am hoping to be able to bring back all the humor, suspense, thrill and Romance (not really) that I displayed in my previous posts! and hope that I will have as wild a ride as I am anticipating.
For now I will leave you with this image of Robert Pattinson, Please enjoy;

Dear Family,

2007-11-24T06:29:00.001-08:00

I am very sorry. You cannot buy me any Christmas presents.

Because I already bought them for you.

In other words, I went shopping today and kind of went crazy. well, not kind of. Completely.

Hey, mommy, ya know how I was talking about getting a shocking red coat. I did. Its got fur on the collar.

Oh, and see there have been these boots. The ones that I've really wanted. I got those too.

Also, This other coat, that was a really good deal, I liked that one too. . . .

You get the general Idea.

But I think my biggest problem will be getting all of this stuff home. I guess I will be looking like a Hobo on the plane again. Wearing half the clothes I own.

mmmmmmmm shoes

Its the most wonderful time of the year.

2007-11-23T07:46:00.000-08:00

I bought a scarf for a dollar today. And a shirt. and then i cut it up all punky and its awesome.

So this morning my family called me from their thanksgiving dinner and talked to me and it felt like I was actually there for a little while. They showed me the pie and I was very jealous.

Shortly after I hung up with them I got dressed and then received a phone call from Tomoko, the head of Gallery. She invited me to have lunch. I gladly accepted and agreed to meet her at a station in the fish market district.

We met up and her photographer friend was with her as well, (this is the second time that I have met him). We went to a really nice sushi restaurant. Really nice. I was glad that i put on a dress.

She asked me what I liked and i listed off a couple of things but told her mainly everything, so that she should just get whatever she wanted to.

She ordered us all Sake, and encouraged me to drink it with vigor. I didn't want to get tipsy in front of my booker at any rate so i was very conservative in my sips. Then she ordered me this sweet plum wine and gave it to me. I thought that it would be rude to refuse, but at the same time was like "is this some sort of test?"

Not really, I guess she just likes getting a little happier when she eats, and thinks that everyone around her should do the same. It was very nice. She ordered me way too much sushi and we talked about all sorts of things while i watched the chefs prepare our food and the EXTREMELY large fish swim around in the tank at the back of the bar.

At one point our chef grabbed a particularly exotic looking fish from the tank and slaped it onto the counter. He grabbed a huge knife and I jumped and covered my eyes a second too late. Tomoko asked what was wrong when she saw my hand over my face and I pointed to the bloody fish head that was now motionless and detached from its body. She laughed and said, You've just been eating his brother! I laughed and secretly died a little inside. (not really). Then to finish off the meal she ordered each of us a miso soup and it had little bits of fish in the bottom. Hers had a HUGE eyeball and I nearly gagged when she showed it to me. I then double checked mine.

I feel like I know Tomoko well now and am very greatful for this day with her. She told me vary interesting stories and we have similar opinions on many things. After lunch we walked to Ginza and went shopping a little and then went for coffee. It was nice. It was just nice.

I then came home and went to the 100 yen store and bought a bunch of craft stuff. Then I made my cool shirt. oh, and I made this video.....

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T02:45:00.000-08:00

It is officially Thanksgiving today both in the U.S. and here in Tokyo. I didn't really realize until later in the day.

So I did what any self-respecting person would do when they are alone on a holiday.

I ate cake.

This morning I started to microwave my tea while I was on the computer and had the clothes dryer and heater going when...... the power blew. I wasn't really surprised, but in a bit of a pickle. But I sorted it all out.

My right leg really really started bugging me while i was walking home this evening. It really seems to act up in the bitter cold and I start limping really bad.

hummm

I haven't really been in the Blog-Writing-mood at all lately, and aren't right now either.......

So tonight...

2007-11-19T04:11:00.000-08:00

I walked by this really fancy restaurant on the way home and glanced in the window to find a old couple dining together. I looked again. They had their dogs with them. But that wasn't all. Not only is it very strange to see people with dogs in a restaurant, especially one as fancy as this. But they had finished their meal, and brought them onto the table and were proceeding to rub their necks. I gawked. This couple had their two dogs on the white tablecloth, just chatting away and giving them a massage. The little dogs had sweaters on and they looked quite pristine. But all the same.....
One of the strangest things I've ever seen.

Today was the kind of day that reminds me how much i hate this business. I had one casting today and Ayumi took me. We went in at about three and waited for 2 and a half hours!! it was ridiculous. Every agency was there, Satoru, Bravo, Axxis, Elite, photo, stage, switch and on and on. It was soo inconsiderate, I got in there and saw why things were taking so long. One little guy and his assistant were the only people there, and they were taking as long as they please. They sat there most of the time. not doing anything, not looking at books, not looking at girls, just sitting. It was sooooo INCONSIDERATE.Big name designers may be asses most of the time, but at least they cast quickly and efficiently. and of course i hadn't brought a book with me so i had nothing to do. Then right before its my turn Ayumi asks for a comp card and I opened the back of my book to find that there weren't any! I had run out and kept my book over the weekend, and so they hadn't checked it at the agency. We exchanged looks of horror and then proceeded up to the casting table.

The little old man heard that i didn't have a comp card and then hardly looked at me and then was like "thank you."
We waited two and a half FREAKING HOURS for nothing. When we stepped outside, it was dark.

Then we went to the agency together and then Yuta drove me home and handed me my Ipod, which it turns out I HAD left in the car. I felt like Katia all the way home, when i told him about the casting. I just bitched and complained.

Then i walked down to Hiro-o in search of some soup. I battled with myself for a while before I decided to try this cheap chinese noodle shop on the main street. I had seen a lot of people in there before, so i thought it might be "the place to eat". So i went in and took a seat and then the waiter brought me a menu. IN FULL ENGLISH!! I was very excited. Most of the time you get pictures and rarely your lucky enough to have a few english words like "beef, noodle." But this one was FULL SENTENCES BABY! and everything was soo cheap. I sat back in my seat and began to read the menu like it was a good book.

They not only did Chinese noodle soups but also rice and curry dishes, stir fry and sides, desserts, the whole nine yards. I think it will be my new favorite place to go.

The discovery of this restaurant lifted my mood a considerable amount. I ordered this dish with noodels and cabbage and a little bit of chicken all in a miso/sweet soysauceish soup base. It was Exactly what i had been craving.
Then i went to the supermarket and bought some juice and salad dressing.

I also went to the 100 yen shop and picked up the best SOCKS EVER. they are really warm and sooo soft inside and i think i will wear them around the house 24/7.

So I have been watching youtube movies of all the people that i am in awe/love with (Keira Knightly, Nicole Kidman, James McAvoy *swoon*, and most recently, Danial Radcliff.) I was just looking at some when i found this. it made me laugh until my sides hurt and comforted me into thinking that there are people on this world who are more obsessive than i am.......

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IbDUseV6c0M&feature=related

I'm a little worried.

2007-11-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

Because i haven't seen my Ipod in the last few days.
I probably just left it in the car on Friday. I hope.

So today i had a test shoot and it was nice.
It was in this really nice hotel and there were three very sweet young woman who put it together for me. A stylist that is Ayume's good friend, a hair and makeup girl, and the photographer. Each of them was a character in the utmost, but all very different. They were so kind.

We did some pretty silly stuff, but they were happy with the results. So i was happy.

They provided snacks, although i didn't eat much and kept making sure that i was comfortable all day long. We worked from around three to about 9 at night, and then they asked if i had any plans for dinner! i was quite surprised but agreed happily. Earlier that day they had asked me what my favorit food was. and i said sushi. So sure enough, it was off to a sushi bar. and it was good.

I watched as they gobbled down the special, which was, yet again, Fresh horse meat sushi style. I flat out refused to eat it. I hope that they weren't offended.

At the end of the meal they would not allow me to contribute a single penny. Even though i tried to stuff money into each of their hands repeatedly. They then insisted on driving me home even though i told them to just drop me off at the subway station.
They were so nice that i feel like i took advantage of them. But i did try my hardest to refuse all the things they offered. I think that the only time i slipped up on the manners side of the "Japanese way" today was at one point at dinner, when i accidentally left my chopsticks sticking up out of my soup. Something that is very offensive and often associated with death here. I noticed when i realized the photographer staring at my soup bowel and quickly removed the sticks.

I have been so stuffy today and all last night. I just want someone to stick a vacuum up my nose and get it over with.

my body aches. I didn't even work that hard.

ATONEMENT is my favorite movie. I have decided this without ever even seeing it.

goodnight!

We will ride bikes through the park.....

2007-11-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

and wave to the Jehovah's witnesses.

We will tell stories in class and laugh until we cry.

We will sit on a bus and annoy everyone around us.

We will dance.

We will look at each other and speak our own language.

We will sit together at dinner and talk.

we will go for walks together.

we will play scrabble face to face.

We will drive crazy, and i will make you scream.

We will argue.

We will go grocerie shopping.

We will talk about things that don't matter.

We will open presents.

We will have sleepovers

We will Ride the motorrcycle

We will sample my baked goods

We will show the world how strange we are. and how much we don't care

I will live my life.

Its late at night

2007-11-17T05:26:00.000-08:00

but somehow I'm not tired.

I feel as though for the first time in my life i am blind. Blind without someone to help guide me along. Not family. Not true friends. Is this what it means to be an adult? to be independent? if it is then I don't want to grow up.

Its cold. its so cold here. And every day I tell myself that i will start anew. But it feels like I'm living the same day over and over. That what I tell myself and what I do and experience is completely different.

Your life is what you make of it right? then why do i feel so helpless? I have nothing to do with the course of my life right now. I'm stuck somewhere between deciding what to do and discovering a new way to do it.

It's strange to wake one day and realize that the dream your living isn't yours.

like something I've never smelled before......

2007-11-15T13:06:00.000-08:00

Every Big city has a similar smell to it. Its the smell of cigarettes and coffee, the smell of gasoline and garbage. It's also the smell of restaurant's open windows and sweet nuts on the street. The smell of flowers in a park and the lady who just walked by with too much perfume.

But most of all, the big city smells of Opportunity.

And no matter where I am, i just cannot resist that smell.

I GOT IT

2007-11-14T03:18:00.001-08:00

I booked the Foxy show. thank god. now i can say that i did at least one thing while in Tokyo.

I had a piece of cake this evening in celebration (not really) and it was fabulous.

I do not regret it.

With a Brain in my head....

2007-11-13T06:59:00.000-08:00

...and a passion in my heart, I must continue.

Today was great

2007-11-12T03:09:00.000-08:00

First, I woke up and got ready to go. I straightened my hair and everything. noon came and went and there was no call from the agency. So i was like, "huh?" So then i tried to call Ayumi. No answer. Then i tried calling the Gallerey cell phone. no answer. So then i call Yuta and hes like "Jenny".... and then i was like "ummm, do i have any work today?" and he is like, "um... no" and so i thanked him and hung up.
Well thats just great, I waisted the whole first half of the day for nothing. and why didn't anyone call me?? strange very strange.

So then I'm like, "I cant let this get me down!" I will call Cate and see what she is up to!"

so i call her. And she says that she has alot of castings and doesn't know when she will be done. "And" she said, "someone is coming to visit me tomorrow so I wont be able to do much this week." o.k. cool.

So then i thought, "why does Kate have a bunch of castings today, and I don't have any? Unless thats not the case, and then that would make her lying to me. but why would she do that.

So then i still was determined to enjoy myself and so I went to the museum. And this time i was actually going to go to the museum! But alas. I went all the way to Uebo, and behold. the Museum is close. Due to a national holiday. what holiday? so then i look across the way, where the zoo is. and no surprise, the zoo is closed too.

So now I'm thinking that it is even MORE likely that Kate was lying to me because there wouldn't be castings on a national holiday. would there?

So i then slouched around the flea market under the railroad tracks for a while, not really interested, didn't buy anything. Had multiple old men try to hit on me. The first one in the street, yelling things like "delicious" in Japanese. and then another one who was a sales clerk in a leather coats store. Totally followed me around and then asked me where i was from and all that.He then asked how old i was and by mistake i think i told him 12 in Japanese. At that point he immediately backed off.
HAHA!
I then realized what i had said but didn't try and correct myself.

then, at around four i went for dinner because there was nothing better to do. There are about 20 spinning sushi bars around there so i just picked one. it was really good. but lonely.

*sigh*

I Think that I'm getting sick.

2007-11-10T05:53:00.000-08:00

But at least its a small price to pay for the fun I had today. It started just like all the other days, I was going to go running but it was pouring rain so i decided against it. I did some laundry and cleaned the appt. more. I skyped with my mother and father, and then i said to myself, "You are going to get out of here and go and do something worthwhile!" It was still raining so i decided that i shouldn't do anything that involved being outside like going to a garden or a shrine or temple. Also, any sightseeing points would be out because the sky was so gray and you wouldn't be able to see anything. So, I thought, museum! I got ready quickly and then walked down to the Chinese noodle shop that I have been to 4 times now, 2 times with Yuta, 2 times without. The guys in there know me an the fact that i don't speak much more than 2 words of Japanese, but they are nice.
The first thing i see, or rather run into when i walk in is a large group of chattering Brits, all trying to ask the staff about one thing or another, these poor guys of course don't speak any English.The minute i step in the door, a woman sees me and says "hello?" not sure If i spoke English or not. And I said "HI!" she was like "oh, thank goodeness!" Do you know if this is a Japanese restaurant or a Chines one.
"this is a Chinese noodle shop." I said.
She quickly announced it to the party, all of witch sighed and groaned.
Then she asked me if I knew if they offered chicken instead of pork, and I told her that I didn't know.
"but," I said "Down the road a little ways is Hiro-o, and it has a bunch of restaurants, many of witch are traditional Japanese and sushi."
They seemed very interested and I told them how to get there. They thanked me profusely and started off down the street. I hope that they made it.

The noodle shop guys were a little less nice today, after I sent a butt-load of business out the door and down the street. But what can you do?

I then went to the subway station and got on the train and road it further than i ever have before. I got off at Uneo, the city where the Tokyo National museum is located. The minute i stepped off the subway, I got very lost, very quickly. I walked around the for about 10 minutes before i saw a sign for the park that is right next to the museum, and on the way there i was distracted by a massive crowd that i noticed two blocks away from me. I turned left and went to go and see why the crowd was there. I was very pleased with what I found. A flea market. as far as the eye could see. Many stores that were located under the train tracks and offered goods of all kinds, from food and treats, to clothes and kitchen wares, It was all there. Many men yelled out who knows what in horse, deep voices that sounded like they had yelled too much in their lives. I slowly made my way out of the market and told myself that I would come back after the museum closed, which was a 5 and at that point it was already 3. Then i found the park. and i was like, "Whoa." It was beautiful.
There was a concert going on, but I didn't go and watch, there were some people in the park, but not many due to the awful weather. This park was Huge and crawling with shrines and traditional Japanese thingy-majigers.
I walked through with my camera in hand at every turn. Not only was this a place to find shrines, but i saw more wildlife, (or should i say, not so wild-life) than i have scince I've been here. The park was a safe-haven for all kinds of birds (mainly ducks). There were also countless stray cats that begged for food from loving locals and tourists alike, I also saw a couple of fish as big as my torso and as long as my entire leg while looking into the water.
I was walking, minding my own business, when all of a sudden i see something large move on the ground right in front of me. It was a MASSIVE crawdad. He was passing by when i got in his way, and he wanted to let me know that I should STAY AWAY. He raised himself up and drew out his claws in a very menacing manner. I admired his bravery and knelled down to take a picture of him. The closer I got, the bigger he tried to make himself. He totally stood his ground. I got my shot and then started to walk away. Two old men (Japanese) walked by me going the other way, I heard them discover mr. crawdad animatedly in Japanese. I looked back to see the older of the two flicking him off the path with the end of his umbrella. My face grew hot and I clenched my fists, I couldn't understand why.But I turned, and kept walking.

I kept walking until I saw what looked like a huge circus tent in front of me. I got closer to find that it was an outdoor bazaar with the finest things from all the different corners of Japan. It was mainly China-ware and food, but there were also some bigger antiques and fine handmade jewelry and purses.
I walked through that and then kept moving until I found a large fountain spitting out of the ground and saw the Museum behind it. "Finally", I though to myself and then looked at my watch. It was already four and I wasn't going to pay 500 yen for an hour at the museum, besides, you need a lot more than 1 hour to cover a big museum. So I just circled back around and went to the flea market under the railroad tracks. It was amazing (look at the pictures, and you may get an idea) I got a hat and a scarf, both of witch were only about $4.

I was in the middle of browsing through the market and gawking at the food, when my phone rang.

I looked down and saw that it was Ayumi. I answered and heard a startlingly croaky voice and I immediately asked her what was wrong. She told me that she was sick, but she wanted to go to dinner with me. I said that would be nice. So we hung up and she texted me how to get to her appt. I went, and got badly, badly lost. Poor Ayumi probably waited for about an hour or more for me to arrive at the station. oh well, she seemed fine about it.....

Even as i got onto the train, i could feel that i was on the road to illness. My feet had been soaked in a huge puddle about 4 hours earlier when I didn't realize I was getting wet until I looked down to see I was in a puddle up to my ankles (well, almost). They had not had a chance to dry, and I had been out in the cold all that time. I could feel that my throat was sore and my tongue felt a little too big for my mouth, but I had told Ayumi that i would have dinner with her. and as much as i just wanted to go home, it was very sweet of her to invite me. Still, i couldn't help but feel impending doom as the train sped toward the ever so croaky voice that i was about to share some food with.

I am finally back home. I took a long hot bath while listening to Frank Sinatra and I ate a couple of Satsuma oranges in the hope that the vitamin c will fight this cold that is coming on. but i guess i will see in the morning.

This Is How I Feel:

2007-11-08T03:34:00.000-08:00

A gallery Of Photos that reflect my feelings 99% of the time.

"WHAT ARE THEY SAYING ABOUT ME??"

"WHATS THIS I'M EATING NOW??"

"EVERYONE AND EVERYTHINGG IS FREAKING TINY HERE!!"

"TO EAT CARBS, OR NOT TO EAT CARBS??"

"JUST BAZAAR......"

I feel a bit like Alice in wonderland. At first everything is kind of exciting and even the strangest things don't bother you so much because you feel like you have a purpose, its a sort of chasing the white rabbit if you will. But after a while, you realize how alone you are and get so frustrated because you just cant catch that stupid little fur ball. So you sit in a house that is wayy to small for you and cry.I miss Dina and i want to go home.

7 Facts About A Taditional Japanese Resturant

2007-11-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

1. When you come in, The host usually announces very loudly to the whole restaurant that you are there. And all the other staff in the place (including the chefs in the kitchen) answer with HARAHHH!! or something to that affect.

2. you need to take off your shoes

3. depending on how full the restaurant is, you can choose to sit at the bar, at a small booth-like table, or in a privet matted room where you sit on the floor.

4. the lighting is always very pleasant, and not too dark like in most American restaurants.

5. you have a little bell at your table to ring the waiter at any moment, and they will come running.

6. the food is delicious.

7. You don't tip.

New Video

2007-11-02T17:59:00.000-07:00

I went running through a graveyard this morning.
It was quite lovely actually.

Alex really likes this guy

2007-11-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

"The 12,000,000"
I'm depressed,
haunted by melancholy
that does not have a reflection
nor cast a shadow.
12,000,000 people live here in Tokyo.
I know I'm not alone.
Others must feel the way
I do.

Tokyo
May 26, 1976
1 P.M.

-Richard Brautigan

Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

It is said that literally a million people cross the street here every day.

I believe it.

I was so happy

2007-10-31T16:10:00.000-07:00

last night.

Ayume took me to my last casting, and even though it was an Obvious Failure, It still managed to be a great evening.

I met Kate at the casting. We were making our way out when i hear someone say "Jenny?" and i look up and its Kate. I know her from her myspace pictures. As I suspected she is super nice and we are going to hang out soon. After leaving the casting at about 7:40, Ayumi asked me if i wanted to have dinner with her.
"YES PLEASE!" i said

She took me to a huge and famous Japanese Department store, that actually wasn't as expensive as I had anticipated.

We went to an international supermarket and then we walked down a very cute little street by Hiro-o that i had never been too before, full of shops and restaurants and an assortment of interesting things to look at. We went to a traditional style Japanese restaurant on the second story of a building on this street. It was an arrangement where we sat on mats on the floor and the table was really low. It was "Sugoy" (awesome). The menu was an assortment of little plates that your supposed to order many different things and share. that is exactly what we did.

We had a salad made of who knows what with a dilicious meat on top, a whole little bird divided onto sticks, (like the skin, gizzered, breast meat and legs) We had potato chunks fried in cheese with cod eggs, seaweed, octopus, A sort of soy tofu that you dipped in soup and sprinkled with stuff, and many other things. It was a true feast. We talked about all the places in the world we've been to, our favorite movies. I told her about S'mors and she said that we have to try it sometime. She was shocked at the idea of heating up marshmallows.

She showed me a nice park near my house that i hadn't ever seen before and a supermarket right around the corner.

It was the most fun that I have had since I've been here.

The TIme In Tokyo

2007-10-31T15:59:00.001-07:00

I made this a couple of days ago..

2007-10-30T05:47:00.000-07:00

......but here it is anyway.

btw, i just found out that i cant watch Grey's Anatomy or for that matter NONE of my favorite T.V. shows online over the ABC website because "only viewers within the states can watch these full length videos....."

betch

Today was the first time .....

2007-10-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

in over a week that I have felt truly happy.

I had 5 go-sees and 1 casting today. I was way too tall for the people at the casting and was sent away almost immediately.

For lunch today Yuta took me to his favorite place in Tokyo. The fish market. It was unlike anything else i have seen in all the places I've been. We ate in an underground sort of community bar, and we had sushi bowls, rather than the traditional version of sushi. That was the freshest fish i had ever tasted. I got a mixed bowel of salmon and tuna. it came with miso soup that was laced with seaweed. it was $7.

I then saw Ayumi and the first thing she said was "have you lost weight??" I told her that i have been running every day, but its only been a week. And she said that she has noticed i difference in my face. That it is trimmer at the jaw bone and that i looked more glowy. she also told me something else that i cannot post on the internet unless the wrong eyes see it, but anyone who knows my skype number can call and ask what it was and i will gladly tell them.

The main reasons i was feeling so good were that i was able to talk to my whole family this morning at one point or another, Yuta and I had long and detailed conversations about thinking and philosophy and our views on fate (or as much as one can with a severe language barrier), and most of all the conversation that my mom and i had this morning.
It was a very reassuring discussion about what I am going to do after Japan. and i feel a lot better about being here because of it.

and lucky for you, this was one of my picture days (when i get in the mood to take pictures) (let me assure you that this only happens in short bursts..)

I took this a couple of days ago..

2007-10-30T05:17:00.001-07:00

but here it is!

feelin a little better.....

2007-10-28T03:10:00.000-07:00

today was Sunday and Ula (my roommate) left early this morning for home. As soon as she left, i got to work. I did a complete apartment overhaul and threw away 5 garbage bags worth of old food and crap. I moved all the furniture around, and moved into her old room.

I have to say that i did an amazing job. I feel so much more at home now and I like how clean it is. All the dishes are put neatly away and I moved the new fridge into its place. I created more space throughout the house by moving a lot of random stuff into the bottom section of the closet in the big bedroom (my new room). I also scrubbed everything from top to bottom and now it all shines like the top of the Chrysler building. I have a feeling that all those little flys will be gone and day now.

I tried to put on some laundry, but that didn't go so well..... Its a long story, but lets just say that its sitting there now in dirty soapy water, refusing to drain or rinse.

I cleaned everything practically before lunch and then wandered down to the convenience store at around 1:30. I did the usual, spent quite some time staring at all the strange un-be-knowns and then finally picking up something that looks relatively safe.

I finished lunch and took a shower and then tried to get onto the internet. OMG!! IT WORKED!! in Ula's room!! on my bed!! (which is very comfortable now. it has a mattress and everything.) I got on Skype and called Alex an mommy and IT WORKED! i was so happy i could have cried. We got the cameras up and running and chatted for over an hour, Alex had Kate over and then Matt joined them, so i was talking to all of them and i couldn't have been happier!

I got on the space and checked my email. among other things that were long overdue. So it seems that the signal is strongest on her (now my) bed in the big bedroom, and basically is rubbish everywhere else.

Then i finally got off and started to stretch and changed to go for a run. I went running and I'm really happy i did. It was such a lovely evening and the temperature was perfect. I jogged down Roppongi and decided to try to look for the big supermarket that Ayume had mentioned, I turned off onto the side-roads and within 15 minutes had found it. It's really nice and i will be doing all my shopping there from now on. It is the biggest one I've seen in the city, two stories high. I went and bought some dinner from there for this evening. A giant sushi roll for $3 and a little Asian salad.

I then walked home because i had bags and couldn't run. Right next to the grocery store was an entertainment superstore, kind of like virgin, with movies and music and books and electronics, and i saw through the window a little area where you cant rent dvds! i think i will be doing that at some point in the near future. I also scoped out some good looking places to eat. I found a cute little underground Italian place that looked very reasonable, A good looking Asian bistro on the main street and a really cute restaurant called called “homework” a little ways down from the grocery store. All of which wont break the bank if i want to go and treat myself at some point.

I also got VERY distracted at one point on my jog, when I ran past a small pet shop ( or should i say, “little dog shop”) I went in and stared at the adorable little puppys for about 5 min before i could bring myself to leave. I was VERY tempted. let me tell ya. I am so lonely that i would seriously consider it. and getting a little one would make since because then i could take it everywhere with me on my travels. I looked into the pens longingly and my eyes flicked to all the price tags. thoughts flicked through my mind like “1,980 yen, I was just given that much in allowance by the agency..”. and “how much would it be to fly a puppy overseas back home?” I am surprised at myself, because I've never been crazy about little dogs. I hate their association with people like Paris Hilton, but i guess they cant really help that....but still the way they shiver all the time, or the way that they look like you could snap them in half at any moment, has never been my dream dog. At the same time, Maddie just got the cutest little puppy I've ever seen, and i have seen some cute breeds while I've been here. I'm going to get a dog of my own at some point, why not now??
sigh....

I was just thinking how you can tell where you are in the world by the way the men on the street treat you. For example, in New York, when you walk down the street looking like a model you can bet on getting at least 5 whistles or comments on a bad day. Things like “hey, can i get your autograph baby?” or “delicious”. It gets really old, really fast. In Tokyo, if I'm walking to the convenience store at 8 p.m. (like i was last night) two bellmen at a restaurant might lean out and say “konbonwa” (good evening) to me and I turned to look at them while i kept walking. They started giggling like little girls.

I was thinking about it logically, and i think i know why they like their models very skinny here in Japan. The average Japanese woman is a lot skinnier than the average American woman. therefore, their models need to be even skinnier to be classified as super-skinny. Many girls here look anorexic. I don't know if its just because I'm in the city, but when I'm walking around i find myself saying “wow, her legs would rival Loni's”

wow. my legs hurt. I didn't even run for that long today. I think I'm gonna go and remove my toe nail polish now......

My video journal parrt one

2007-10-27T23:10:00.001-07:00

A Growing Day

2007-10-25T04:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a growing day. I wont say that it was a bad day because i dont believe that is was. I was a “growing” day.

Ayumi picked me up from the appt at about 10 30 today and we walked to the nearest subway station. The subway is soo nice. all the trains are stramlined and the station and trains are all soo clean! Like really clean! so clean that when you go down there you want to take a deep breath and smell the sweet smells of the subway. The trains have velvet seats. no joke.

We went to two gosees and then got lunch. REAL JAPANESE SUSHI!! OH MYYY GOOODDDD! it was sooo good and sooo CHEAP! a dollar a plate for a two piece dish! I stiffed my face and it was about $7 at the end. It also came with free tea and of course that soup. Only instead of tofu chunks in the bottom, it was prawn's head's. I was very surprised when i took my first sip of soup and saw their little black eyes staring back at me. The sushi was just on one of those circular moving belts just like at home in Yoko's! only the selection was much bigger and everything had been made within the last 5 minutes. Ayumi and I like all the same rolls and dislike all the same rolls, so we split everything. She was saying how there are some near my appt. just like that one that are just as cheep, so that i could eat there every day if i wanted to. I reassured her that i will.
AMAZING. yes, this is what i wanted.

So your probably thinking. “this sounds like a great day, whats the problem?” well, after lunch it started to go downhill. We got the agency car and started driving to my next gosee. Ayumi turned to me and said, “have you gained weight?” and i replied, taken aback “since when?”

and she pointed to my picture on the card. I told her that i didnt think so, but wasn't sure. she nodded and started to tell me that the main guy at the agency said that i was a little too overweight and that i need to loose a couple of Kilos. she asked me how much I weighed. I told her in pounds and she didn't understand. I have no idea what the relativity from pounds to Kilos is, but i will look it up when i have internet again. Anyway, it was kind of a shocker, because New York never even told me to loose weight. Roman even told me that I was “skinny”, which i took to be mayor considering what he sees on a daily basis, and to be honest, i dont think i look very different now than I did last time in NY.

From that point on, the day was ruined. All i could think about was putting my book over my stomach and slumping as small as possible. I stared out the window for long periods of time, rethinking everything I have been told about my weight. I heard Helen's words in my head “ no matter how hard you try, there is always going to be someone who is skinnier. So dont get carried away”. up until now, i have satisfied myself with that state of mind.

Then came the castings. the first one was for a runway show. I walked into the room to come face to face with about 10 Russians from the Elite tokyo branch, all of whom had no but, legs or body mass for that matter. I watched them one by one leave and then walk by in an outfit the designer put on them and then come back. When it was my turn, he took one look at me and said “thank you”. I wanted to cry.

My second and last casting was for the biggest Lingerie brand in tokyo. There were many girls there. Katia and i sat there and waited with Ayumi for at least 20 minutes. The whole time i tried not to think about everything that had happened that day, Katia chatted with her countless Russian neighbors, and Ayumi talked to a very nice looking little man who obviously worked for the brand. I bit back tears.

Finally it was our turn and we were called into the changing room. A small woman bustled over to me immediately and gestured for me to undress. She took one look at my tiny (nonexistent) breasts in the frilly black and pink bra and said. “I'm sorry, but that is all, thank you.” I thanked her and walked back out to Ayumi. I tried to look on the bright side. That I didnt have to be paraded around in front of a panel in nothing but frilly undies, like poor Katia was being at that very moment. but i still felt as though the tears were on there way.

The little old man who had been talking to Ayumi earlier saw that i was distressed and slowly walked toward me. He smiled and said, “what is your name?” I told him that it was jenny and he asked me where i was from. I told him the U.S. and he looked very surprised for a moment. Then he said,
“jenny, you have a very nice smile. I think you should smile.”
it was one of the sweetest things id ever heard, but somehow, his sincere kindness made me want to sob.

Katia finally was let free and then the three of us piled into the elevator, and i couldn't take it any more. I started to cry. They immediately noticed. Both asked me what was wrong and I quickly came up with the excuse of missing home. they comforted me all the way home. Katia repeatedly saying how much she used to miss home when she was younger. I have never seen that side of her before. I always thought she was quite brisk. But the Russians have always related differently.

so today was a learning day. The minute i wake up tomorrow i will go running and then do fifty sit ups. I will try to remember most of my palates moves and try to whip out a couple of those. I have been eating less than i ever have in these last three days, just because of the combination of expense, accessibility and all around strangeness of the food here. I just don't feel the need to eat that much. I will try to keep that up.

But for dinner this evening i did have an absolutely delicious rice ball with sweet tuna in the center. mmmmmm. Oyshikatta!!

quick hello

2007-10-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

Hi all, Jenny Here.

I offically have no internet. I am at the agency right now and can only make a short post. Today is a busy day, two castings and 4 go-sees. I think we are going to lunch at the fish market because yeasterday I told my driver Yuta that my favorit food is sushi. It is great weather here. Its been sunny and mildly worm the past two days and very clear.

I will attempt to find a small internet cafe close to my appt. at somepoint in the near future, but my hopes are dwindling. Yuta told me that most internet cafes are silent as well, so even if i did end up finding one on my own, i probably wouldent be able to skype with my family. The whole thing is very frustraiting.

I was worried when ifirst got here because I saw many fashion boutiques with cute things in the windows and i thought to myself `oh my, im going to be tempted to buy clothes.` because most of the things looked like they would fit me. But after two days of driving through Tokyo, I see that almost every person has AMAZING personal style and therefore, I feel that if i were to dress to impress, i would blend in, rather than stick out. Not only that but everything is SUPER expencive and I`m too scared to buy stuff because I dont understand the exchange rate.

I hate not being able to speak Japanese. It evokes a feeling of helplessness that I have never felt before. I am afraid to do thing s alone and just have to nod and smile while clients talk about me to Yuta. I feel like such a nimrod. I guess it cant be helped, i mean, maybe if i had internet i could take my class........

Other than the lack of internet, which seems to ruin my life right now, everything is going well. Everyone is very nice. and my days are busy.

sighhhhhhhh............

OMG! my blogger has turned Hiragana!!

2007-10-23T03:25:00.000-07:00

My stomach was in perfect unison with the plane. Up and down and up and down......

The parting with the family is always harder than I think it is going to be. It was especially hard this time. Im not sure if i was just more scared this time more than any other.

The plane ride was fine. No 11 hour plane ride can be GREAT, but considering, i think it went as well as the circumstances could permit. I had a window seat and didnt sleep at all. I watched three movies (1: Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix, 2:La Vie En Rose, 3: daddy long legs) all of which were splendid. they served two meals the first was a lunch/dinner i guess and then there was a breakfast (which was totally strange because it wasn't breakfast time in either time zones) and there was also an ice cream sandwich.

The guy sitting next to me was named Todd and he was very nice. He was on his way to Thailand for a friend's wedding. He told me a little about Tokyo and I told him a little about the world of modeling.

By some miracle, I managed to do all of the things I needed to after getting off the plane with relative ease. I got my luggage, which held up beautifully, went to the bathroom, through customs, exchanged money, got a bus ticket, and rode the bus. Who'd have thought that doing all of that would go over much better than having a privet driver sent to get me at the new york airport.

My apartment is kind of shabby. But it is growing on me. It is absolutely tiny. There is one other girl here now from Poland named Ula. but she is leaving and going home on Sunday, and from that point on I will be alone. The appt. is a two bedroom with a kitchen and a bathroom. there are those little nat flys all over though and they drive me crazy! I kill them but they are still everywhere. I think that my florescent lighted room with not art on the walls has its own personal charm.

Oh, by the way, my bed is basically this; the ground....... a rock......me. yeppers. I have to sleep on my side, otherwise its quite painful.

I will post another blog in the morning, its just that im too tired right now. but i do still have a lot to say..

hopefully i will have internet in the morning. There is no designated connection for me here. The appt. doesnt have its own. now of course there are a bunch of other connections in this building, but almost all of them require passwords. that is the most frustrating thing about the appt., not the bugs or the beds, but that fact that I may not have the ability to communicate with my friends and family. and that I may not be able to do my online classes. and that i am cut off from a major part of the world.

Leaving!! and homecoming...

2007-10-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

Today is essentially my last day at home. I am going to Homecoming tonight, and then tomorrow morning we are driving to Portland in order for me to catch the plane at about 1.

Last night i had a farewell supper with mom, dad, grandpa, and granny. It was quite nice, we went to Arianna here in Bend.

I am now preparing to pick out a fun dress from my closet to wear tonight. We are all going to dinner together (my friends and I), it will be fun.