Being in the apartment is like being saved. You leave the real world behind and step into a landscape in miniature. Within it's embrace you receive nourishment, through food and warmth you shrink in size and become small again. As the hours and days drift by you begin to feel nauseous, you develop aches and pains of the body and soul. You begin to suffocate, to long for fresh air and real life. Longing to be somewhere else, anywhere else overcomes you. Slowly as the grip tightens you must bid for escape, run for your life.
Once ejected from the killer apartment and all its comforts and promises you feel a surge of panic. The harsh light of responsibility shines on you again. The pain of misunderstanding and malnourishment return afresh. You experience elation briefly as you exhume your feelings, but the exhaustion returns. Your life is now your own again, and as the train leaves carrying with it the lingering scents of Brussels, once again life is full of possibilities. Yet how quickly you begin to miss and long for the apartment and all of it's comforts....
-Marjolaine Ryley, Photographer/ Poet
The Apartment
Autumn
Has always been my favorite season.
The leaves fall and the smell reminds me of scampering in the pumpkin patch and corn maze. The air turns crisp, and the light seems to hit everything at a dramatic angle.
As I looked out over the lake at Heckfeild place this weekend the sun caressed the treetops and glistened from the water on the fountain. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry.
It is the ambiance of new beginnings and romance.
And, I get to break out the cute jackets and sweaters and begin to play with layering again.
Today was my first day of school. I loved it. I can safely say that I will be sufficiently challenged and that the education provided by this school is one worth having. I have already made some first-rate friends and we have had some fun parties through freshers week. I wont deny that I love the fact that we can just go to a pub together and just sit down and have a drink. So simple, so unapologetic. All those secret house parties for collage freshmen seem slightly demeaning and stupid. I am an adult now, so it is nice to be able to act like one too.
I miss home. A lot. But I am happy in the knowledge that this is what I want to do.
Today we talked about our hopes for the future in class. I realized that the only thing I want to be able to do, is be proud of myself. I am my hardest critic, and if I can say I did exactly what I wanted to, I can truly feel proud.
Shine For Me
I Can Smell You
You Smell Of Everything
Fruit, Vanilla, Flowers, Spices, Freshness
You Fill Me With Joy
When Your Flame Burns Bright
You Light The Way On A Dark, Cold Night.
You Inspire Emotions
Like Fear And Romance.
And As You Dance,
I Am Held In A Trance.
Any Room Would Be Dark Without You,
Who Wouldn't Want To Light One Or Two?
A Careless Word Too Far
Content
Fulfilled, Satisfied
Delighted, Enjoying, Pleased
Relaxed, Weightless, Heavy, Tense,
Yelling, Crying, Hating
Vexation, Anger
Displeased
to live
"But I shouldn't want to be on the stage ALL the time - and when I wasn't playing a part, I'd like to be painting pictures, just for myself y'know - daubing like mad - with lots and lots and lots of the very brightest paint- tubes and tubes of vermilion and royal blue and emerald green and gamboge and cobalt and Chinese white. And then making all kinds of weird dresses for myself. And scarlet cloaks. And black crepe-de-chine gowns with orange dragons all over them. And cooking! Yes, doing sausages and gingerbread and pancakes. And sitting on top of mountains and going down rivers in canoes. And making friends with all sorts of people. And I'd share a flat or a little house with Kay in London, and Alan would come to stay with us and smoke his pipe, and we'd talk about books and laugh at ridiculous people, and then go to foreign countries-
I'd get it all in somehow. The point is, to live! Never mind about money and positions and husbands with titles and rubbish- I am Going To Live."
-Carol from Time And The Conways, Written by J.B. Priestley
My Apologies
To any faithful readers of my blog for falling off the hemisphere.
I will try to redeem myself now by posting a long and detailed blog just for you.
I have chosen A school. I am going to The Academy Of Live And Recorded Arts. (ALRA)
This decision came after an incredibly crippling breakdown and a great deal of self-reflection that was all a result of the train wreck that was my Guildhall recall.
I could write about it, and I may in time to come, but right now lets just say that it meant the world to me, and it went badly.
I am however, quite recovered at this point and am increasingly excited and optimistic about life. I am motivated and there are so many things that I want to do that I can hardly think straight.
I just quit my job. Now, I never wrote about my job, sorry about that, but here it is.
About a month and a half ago I started a job as a hostess (or "receptionist" as they say here) in a very posh restaurant/brasserie in Mayfair, London. It is called "Hush" and is located on this secluded little courtyard off of Bond and Brook streets, directly facing an Armani Home store. It is truly high-end fine dining.
My uniform was a black suit complete with collared shirt and jacket. Instead of asking people "how many kids menus will you need?" (Red Robin). I would ask "Have You booked?" and "may I take anything for the cloak room?" The job was quite demanding, and not as easy as most hostess positions. The Hush organization is a massive one.
The main area where I was stationed was the Brasserie, which is on the ground floor. Inside is a large uniquely shaped room in warm tones and outside there is an Al Fresco Terrace.
Then, upstairs on the second floor is the main bar and cocktail lounge and an extension of the brasserie known as "The Silver Room." This is a large room with about 20 tables and a little more of an intimate and formal atmosphere, but the exact same menu as downstairs.
Then, on the third floor was the Private dining rooms, known as "strictly." There would generally be large parties of people booked in these areas most nights of the week, from intimate birthdays to company party's for up to ninety. We also had, "La Cave", hush's wine boutique. right next door to us, where we would sometimes have private parties booked and where there were some extra tables outside for us to serve at lunch time.
I always had to be super organized, as it was the receptionist's job to oversee all of these areas and know who had booked to be where and what parties were arriving when. Also, it was my job to be in charge of all the money and transactions. When people were ready to pay the bill, we would take hand held credit card machines and do the entire transaction right there at the table. We then would have to close out the tables at the till and keep track of all the discounts, complimentary bills and cash that go into and out of the resister. By far the worst part of the job was doing the cashing out at the end of the night when on closing duty. You had to go through all the bills and make sure that there were no mistakes, count out all of the cash and write out the information to the accountant. This could take forever and keep you there until about 1:00am on a bad night. By this time, the underground is closed and I would have to take a night bus to get home, which would take at least another hour.
There were only five Receptionists, and we all had to work about seven shifts a week. A shift would be anywhere between six to nine hours. Many days I was working back to back double-shifts, starting at eleven or twelve am, having a break at about three, and then working until closing. The fact that I was on my feet the entire time crippled me only about the first two weeks, and then I got used to it.
There is only one other time that I have worked harder in my life. That was Fashion Week in New York.
My coworkers were (for the most part) very nice. I really liked all of the waiters and most of the managers. I absolutely adored my manager. She was queen receptionist and the one who hired me. I really admire her on so many levels. She is classy and kind, and can be severe at times but is not in the least hypocritical or unjust. She is very sharp and it is really no surprise that she is a manager of the restaurant at the age of 23. There were a few people who I worked with who I, well, had differences with. But as I was quite new, I never did get to say anything and mostly would take any abuse they would throw my way.
I made friends with a British girl (the only one who worked there) who is a chef in the kitchen. We have hung out multiple times and have a scary amount in common. She rode horses all through her childhood and loves to cook (obviously). We get along really well.
There is only one British waiter. Everyone else is Italian, French, Polish, Russian, Hungarian, Spanish, or some other exotic nationality. I felt out of place with English as my first and only language and would sometimes think it was ironic as I stood between two people who were yelling at each other over me in a language I had trouble placing.
There were some incredible characters, and in hindsight, the job was a really unique experience. I really learned a lot, even though my time there was brief, and if nothing else, showed myself that I can deal with working hard, long, tiring hours.
The restaurant experience over here is extremely different from that in the U.S. It took me a few weeks before I had learned how to properly tell a customer "No". In order to deal with some of the situations, I really had to be direct and tell them how it was.
This was especially true for the Terrace. That cobble stoned secluded courtyard right in the middle of our little sanctuary was in such high demand that people would get downright nasty when they wanted a table. I had walk-aways, threats, and endless high-profile name drops from people desperate to have an outside table in this endless summer weather.
The best highlight about my job was the night of Tuesday the 19th of May. I was working the closing shift that night and one of the other receptionists came to me with a message from Claridges. (Claridges is one of the most famous, highest reputation hotels in London, and on the same block as Hush.) Some very famous "American opera star or something" was coming that night and that our service must be top notch. I looked down at the name on the reservation list and wondered briefly if Scott Carol might know who it was. I laughed to myself when I thought to tell him about it.
At about 8:30 a woman walked in and said the name of the reservation. I looked down and nodded, then looked back up. I then caught a glimpse of the people standing behind her, and my jaw literally dropped.
Kristen Chenoweth was less than six feet from me and I blinked twice before I was able to weakly say "this way Ma'am" and lead them to their table. As soon as they had sat down I sprinted to the cloak room and hyperventilated uncontrollably. I couldn't believe it. This is the same woman that my best friend and I have idolized since the age of 14, the same Musical theater Goddess who's countless works have been legendary. I knew the details of her life, everything from her early performances in Charlie Brown the musical and her role in the most recent Annie movie, to (of course) her role as the Original Glinda in Wicked the musical. I listen to her Christmas CD year-round, and some of my fondest memories consist of dancing around on furniture to the soundtracks of her works.
Greg, this awesome Polish waiter was serving them, and I immediately told him that she was very famous. He said that he would make sure that I was the one to take the bill. I spent the next two hours trying to be stealthy about my glances to table 24, and telling anyone on the staff who would listen that one of my childhood idols was sitting there. It was finally time to take their bill. The man sitting to her left put down his black American Express (the most prestigious, unlimited card one can have.) and I tried to be as nonchalant as possible. I had been playing with the idea of getting her autograph the entire night, but had run it by one of the head waiters who I was friends with and she told me that we were not allowed to. I could see why, after all, it is not like I was eating there as well, I was working, and it would seem incredibly unprofessional. Also, I had just started and I wasn't interested in loosing my job because I had no inhibitions or sense of propriety. All the same, I had a piece of paper and a pen in my jacket pocket just in case the chance presented itself. Just as I entered the card information however, one of my head managers came over and stood almost directly beside me. I cursed inwardly and walked away from the table feeling quite disappointed. five minutes later, they decided to leave and I stood next to the marble surface of the bar and held their coats. Kristen was at the back of the group, and as she passed I looked around desperately. The same head waitress who I had asked earlier stepped up beside me at just that moment and said, "Excuse me Ma'am, but my co-worker absolutely adores you and she was hoping to perhaps get your autogroaph."
"Sure." said Kristen in her all too familiar voice, and she turned to face me.
As she looked at me I suddenly felt a surge of emotion and tears began to well in my eyes. My throat closed up and I weakly handed her the pen and paper from my pocket.
I felt so incredibly stupid as I fought fiercely against the urge to cry. She said,
"what is your name sweetie?" and I was able to choke out
"...Jenny" after a moment. My voice sounded steady enough, if not a bit weak.
She wrote, "to Jenny, Love Kristy Chenoweth", and then set down the pen and turned back to me.
"Nice to meet you, Jenny." she said and held out her hand. I took it, and shook it meekly until she pulled it away.
As soon as they left I took up the paper and sprinted back to the cloak room where I let the tears out in floods. I was shocked with happiness. It took me five whole minutes to recoup, at which point I went out and thanked the waitress profusely.
I put in my notice last week when I realized that my only option was to get out of London for the summer.
As I write this, my mom is on a plane from Seattle, accompanied by our two dogs and cats. She was in England last week making plans, going on job interviews and buying a new car. Everything has been signed sealed, shipped and sold, and she is coming over for good. She has secured a beautiful house on the edge of an even more beautiful Estate in Newbury. She is renting this newly re-done country cottage from my grandmother's cousin. I went with her last week to see it, and it is everything you would expect country living in the south of England to be. The house has open square rooms with large windows, wood floors and fireplaces. The exposed dark wood beams on the ceilings and walls caused me to feel that I had stepped directly into the Bennet's house out of Pride and Prejudice. The estate itself is over 800 acres of countryside and trails. There are numerous fountains, a grand garden, a swimming pool and best of all....
Horses.
Mom was able to go for a trail ride last week with the on-grounds horse keeper and I am hoping that I will be able to do the same as often as possible. There are over 30 miniature horses who are bread on the farm, meaning that most of the babys have been born for this season. I was also able to meet some of the full-sized beauties that reside in the stables, and could barley contain my excitement and joy.
The people I am staying with now are quite ready to have me out, as our original agreement was a short term stay. They have been very kind to let me stay on for as long as they have, and all in all, it has been the best scenario for me over this stretch of time. However, I am now (Finally) finished with all of my auditions and ready to be somewhere where I feel a bit more welcome.
I am feeling so very city sick and found myself Googling "escape from London" a few weeks ago. Now that I know where I will be going to school next year I am excited to get an apartment with some classmates in that area, but wont be able to do that until late in the summer. So for now, I would be stuck in the same situation here in London, with few friends, getting progressively more broke and unhappy. The only difference would be that I would have to move god knows where and live with who knows who, while paying much more in rent than I am now. I think that a few months in the country with my mom and my pets is exactly what I need to stay sane.
So, I am going to go to Newbury and help mom unpack and get settled. I am already making plans to audition for some local theater in that area this summer, sign up for dance classes and get a part time job somewhere. I am also extremely motivated to learn how to play the guitar, so I will have to see how long I can stick with it.
Mom is going to pick me up in the new car from here tomorrow morning, and I am so excited that I could hardly sleep last night, tired as I was. I have been running my butt off these last few months, between auditioning and working, and I think that a relief from the city will be indescribable.
I am excited to start school in the fall, and to meet new people and learn. I have made the resolution to work so hard at Drama School that I wont know what hit me. I am going to give it my all and then some.
I know that I should be at peace with how I did with my auditions this year, as I was recalled to every school except one (LAMDA, which I knew I really screwed up). I received two offers and two wait list places and did amazingly well across the board. Many people audition year after year and don't get places, and the competition is so incredibly fierce that only the top 3% of auditionees are offered a chance to study on a course. Getting into a top drama school is harder statistically than getting into Oxford, Cambridge, or Harvard law.
It is amazing to know that I do possess some talent. To know that I am quite good at what I love is a relief. I beat out thousands of people for callbacks and have learned an incredible amount, and yet, I am still haunted by the things I wanted.
This stint of auditions felt like an experiment in life more than anything else. At times the experience seemed almost barbaric, and the roller coaster of emotions or the lack thereof that I experienced has changed me. I am trying desperately to understand what being an actor is all about, and I think that I have drawn a few conclusions. I have also discovered an incredible amount about myself. Many things that I want to change, or create within myself, and many things that I want to do for others.
Right at this very moment, the thing that is keeping me centered is the fact that I know exactly what I want in life. There is perhaps even more drive and passion in me than before I started (if that is possible), and now I have seen what is out there for the taking and the making. I feel so grateful to my situation and willing to give everything that I have to feel that I deserve all that I have. The fact that I am lucky enough to have true goals and dreams and the resources the pursue them, that is much more than many people can say. My priority's have been set in place and I am done with sadness and self pity.
Becoming aware of the prospects that face me was alarming at first. Realizing my shortcomings and mistakes was downright soul-crushing.
It sounds silly, even to me, to say it. But through my entire life I have been nothing but a dreamer. I could live day and night in my mind, dwelling on the past or daydreaming about the unrealistic future. I never realized, until these last few months, that I may have to grow up at some point. I always figured that by this point in my life I would have received my letter inviting me to Hogwarts, or that I would have met and fell madly in love with a vampire.
My unrealistic views of life were only reinforced by my charmed childhood and adolescence traveling the world and being praised for my beauty or criticized for my weight.
Upon discovering that I am an adult, I have made some strong resolutions to live life in the present, and to be living life every moment, for every moment. I am going to try to connect with people and focus on what is very important. I will take things as they come, and let things of the past fade. Most of all, I know that I have to work for what I want in life, and if I have to wait for it, I will. It doesn't matter how long it takes.
Drugs and alcohol will not play any part in my young life, ever. I am not going to settle for artificial happiness or be distracted from working progressively to attain my dreams. I am going to ask more of life.
I feel like I have been asleep and I need to wake up, but at the same time, I can't be in such a rush. I keep thinking that any minute I will be past my prime and that I will never be able to become an actress if I don't start right now. If you really want something, you will need to work hard and also have the right timing on your side. Sacrifice is giving up something good, for something better. I will give up time for a chance at what is most important.
whew. Ok, sorry for that rant. I am done now.
I hope that this gives everyone a good idea of what I am up to, and I will try my hardest to not wait as long between posts. Once school starts, I am sure that I will have plenty to write about. Here is a picture of The Royal Victoria Patriotic Building, where ALRA is located; 
Lots of love! -Jenny
Countles Adult Realizations.
I am growing and learning and having a bit of a breakdown all at once. I will post some of my reflections and newest thoughts when I am not so tired, but as I have just gotten home on the night bus from an 11 hour work day, I am ready to sleep....
